woke up at 10+.

"shit la telepas 10am punya class"

*quickly grabbed handphone*

"rozie pls sign for me"

*cepat cepat mandi kerbau nak attend the 11am class*

di dalam kelas:

"eh wheres everyone?"

"class cancel", said a classmate.

cheh penat je rushing.

at the elevator:

"weh class cancel la" said nodee to another classmate.

classmate heads back home.

*THE END*

nottttttttttttttt!

apparently, i silap tengok jadual.

class was at 11.

i got into the wrong class.

the class where the class after 11am's class was supposed to be.

where a classmate happened to be.

who happened to give me the right info.

to the wrong person.

bukan kelas aku kena cancel. tu kelas orang lain.

shitshitshitshitttttt.

matilah classmate aku bunuh aku sebab suka hati mak bapak aku cakap kelas cancel.

ampunnnnn pakkk.

ampunnnnnnn!

paham tak cerita ni?

tak kira nak cerita jugak kasi faham.

my two classes were supposed to be from 11-12, 12-1.

i silap tengok jadual.

i ingat they were at 10-11 and 11-12.

so since i woke up at 10+, i nak pergi to the 11am's class lah kan.

so at 11, i pergi venue kelas yang pukul 12 lah kan.

mestilah kosong kan.

whyyyy la that fella mesti ada dalam kelas tuuu and cakap kelas cancel.

kalau tak mesti aku dah call rozie tanya kelas kat mana.

erghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~

Which Harry Potter Character Are You?

Which Lost Character Are You?

Nu stiu ce sa zic. Nu sunt atat de evil ca Draco dar nici atat de "ajutator" precum Jack.

mr boyfriend

and
FAMILY
:) (:

ps: add me if you're a friend.

pps: i always use blog editor to edit my friendster profile hence the existence of this entry.

A year ago I was recovering from a typical "OMG I'm finallyyyy 21!" night. Whew, that was rough. But I had a greeeat time. Going out in a college town during the summer is ideal. You still have all the amazing bar specials, minus the crazy crowded atmosphere. Just enough people to make it fun, and to avoid waiting half an hour standing at the bar trying to get a drink. Gooood times.

Today I'm just enjoying the fact that I'm off from work, I'm home, and my mom is taking me out for lunch in a mountain town with the best shops to browse. Then we have appointments for some much needed mani/pedis. Yessssss. My feet could use some serious attention, they've been workin overtime.

I certainly don't feel 22. I'm still absorbing the fact that I can say "I have a degree in ___" in conversations. And that I'm going to "Grad" school. So weird. A year from now who knows where I'll be living, or what jobs I'll be applying for. Well, with *fingers crossed* that I survive the internship. I guess we should take it one thing at a time....

It's definitely still an uphill climb for me over here. Still learning, still saving money because I can't make any for the next year, and still enjoying the fact that--for now--I can soak up the luxuries of living at home.

Hello, 22. We're startin' off strong, I think you'll be good to me.

1. A person who bails out on a commitment at the very last minute.

Example: Jane is such a flaker. I can't believe that she bailed out the very last minute! I'm definitely not inviting her to hang out next time.

2. Someone who flakes.

Example: You flaker. Why did you bail at the last minute?

If the following applies to you, then you suck big time =p

At the time, I also worked for the school. I asked my grizzled old boss what he thought of the situation. Was it going to be this hard to get things done in the real world? He assured me no studio is run as inefficiently as film school. They'd go out of business.

"Everyone is here because either they're too old to hack it any more," and he included himself in this group (he was old enough to be on a first name basis with Walt Disney), "or, if they're young, they never will."

I looked around at my professors and saw that he was right. When I checked credits on imdb, either I didn't recognize anything they'd worked on, or their last project of note was done before I was born.

After I graduated, I had an AD who was an asshole (not all that uncommon for ADs, sadly) and had no idea what he was doing. I later found out he taught a directing class at our alma mater. I felt bad for his students.

This obviously calls to mind the old saying, "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach." Out of curiosity (and lack of anything to do), I tried to figure out who coined that phrase. Apparently, everyone did. On further researching, I discovered it's actually a bastardization of a quote from Aristotle: "Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach."

While I think the latter is nicer (my wife is a teacher, after all), the former one applied to my professors much better.

(On an unrelated note, I'm excited to learn I'm not the only one in Hollywood who votes Republican.)

Actually It's all in the mind you know. Fine, there were more or less around that many ideas for a post -  but they never reached "fruition". And I wonder were they that bad to not have made it to Mutterings that Matter (MTM).

I don't need a MTM to express myself and to decide what's good and what's not. Do I need to rely on MTM to showcase all my ideas and thoughts.

I have an image to keep up to after all. I don't live in a make believe world.

I am - MTM is just a fraction.

I wonder if the fraction is the perception or the image for the whole.

We talked about how we used to have these really grand, wonderful dreams and how we've gotten sucked into a semi-crap lives that are not at all like we envisioned.

We talked about how people can and will disappoint us and sometimes some things are just not meant to be.

We talked about how most of us (myself being first in this line) don't really know ourselves and must rely on friends for a reality check. We talked about being afraid to really get to know ourselves because we might not like/recognize/be scared of the person that we are.

We talked about how we don't always feel like the person looking back at us in the mirror. We talked about not knowing how we got this far from ourselves.

We talked about taking risks, and feeling out of control and slinking back into something more comfortable and safe. And about how this is so wrong and how we should stop this behavior. We don't want to be normal, and we are afraid that we are.

We talked about vulnerability and about allowing ourselves to feel the spectrum of emotions and how, when you FINALLY let yourself feel anything and God forbid, analyze those feelings, it can be incredibly overwhelming.

We talked about being true to ourselves and how we only have to live up to our own expectations. We talked about how hard it is to be our authentic selves, especially when you are used to putting the needs of others before your own or you've lost yourself in a situation, or you've forgotten what's important. And rejection is oh so hard to deal with, especially when that whole "feeling" thing is still a pretty new concept.

We talked about how I tried to spend some time last night meditating on what I want out of life and what I should do to get there, but instead I fell asleep and didn't wake up with any revelations.

We talked about starting over and doing what the hell ever it is that we really want.

We are going to do it; step by step, little by little. And we are going to hold each other accountable . We are better than who we have become (I don't think I just made that up, but damn if I don't know where I got it from)

Raise your glasses! To jumping into the abyss and following our dreams....where ever they take us.

I don't know why that was so funny to me .. but it was.  Jason was being protective of a boy kicking me with a foot that's about 1.5 inches long (if that)

Anyway I feel like I haven't been talking to all of you through this blog for a while and think it might be time for an update.

Or as much of an update as I can give through a meme. I like memes. Possibly because I enjoy talking about myself. Hahaha.

1. Last movie you saw in a cinema?

The Incredible Hulk. It would have been Wall-e which I was meant to go watch tonight but I fell violently ill at around half 3 this afternoon and had to come home. But I will definitely watch Wall-e very very soon. And also that new Batman movie which I think I am going to watch in an IMAX theatre.

2. What book are you reading?

Not reading anything at the moment. Was about to start on "The Harsh Cry of the Heron" in Paris but had no time due to being out till late everyday.

3. Favourite board game?

Pictionary.  But it could change to Cranium soon since I heard it's really good and I finally bought it last year!  I haven't played it yet but I will in December when I bring it home to play with my siblings.

4. Favourite magazine?

I don't read magazines, all they do is advertise stuff and make one want to spend money.  But if I had to choose I'd say Non-no.

5. Favourite smells?

Baby smell, anything soapy or powdery and clean smelling, fresh laundry

6. Favourite sounds?

Music boxes, the sound of waves, falling rain outside the window, piano

7. Worst feeling in the world?

Having a sudden tummyache with no loos in sight.  Feeling nauseous on a train with no loos.  That was me btw, not the tummyache but the feeling nauseous part.  This afternoon I was photocopying something in another part of the office when all of a sudden I felt really queasy. I tried to brush it off thinking I was just being silly but I felt worse and worse, to the point where I had to cancel the print job and rush to the toilet to puke up.  Yikes.  I couldn't stop feeling sick afterwards so I waited till 4pm and left work.  Unfortunately on the way home in the train I felt like I either had to throw up right there and then or die.  I managed to hold it in till I FINALLY reached my station, whereupon I chucked up into the bushes :(

I don't know what happened but I think it was probably a mixture of it being too stuffy in the office, plus a couple of painkillers my colleague gave me which I'd never taken before.

Anyway I came home and ate some banana cake with hot chocolate and I feel so much better.  Incidentally I ate some lemon cake at the start of my train journey home (when I erroneously thought I was feeling better) and that was what I puked up into the bushes.  I'm glad it wasn't banana cake because that would have tasted gross on the way up.

8. First thing you think of when you wake?

If it's a work day - "Oh no is it time already.......... five more minutes!"

If it's a weekend - "YAY!"

9. Favourite fast food place?

My favourite fast food is roadside burger.  But in England my favourite fast food place is KFC.

10. Future child's name?

I don't have a definite one yet but even if I did I wouldn't tell, it's a surprise!

11. Finish this statement - "If I had a lot of money......."

First I'd buy myself and my loved ones everything our hearts desire.  After which I'd spend time nurturing myself, learning new things and seeing the world.

12. Do you drive fast?

I don't drive but if I did I'm sure I'd drive very carefully because I'm paranoid.

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

Nope.

14. Storms - cool or scary?

Cool.

15. What was your first car?

Never had one.

16. Favourite drink?

Water, milkshake, hot chocolate, milk.

17. Finish this statement - "If I had the time, I would........."

Let's add "resources" to the statement, making it "If I had the time and resources, I would......":

travel the world, experiencing life in each country like its natives, learn lots of new things.

18. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

Yes, I love the stems!

19. If you could dye your hair any colour what would it be?

If nobody cared at all, I'd probably do it pink and blonde.

20. Name all the different cities in which you have lived.

I'm not going to do that since the people who read this blog and know me already know where I've lived.

21. Favourite sport to watch?

Tennis, diving, ice skating, gymnastics.

22. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you.

I wasn't tagged but the person I took this from has a nice blog which is a good read.

23. What's under your bed?

On my side my two big drawers are filled with my wedding dresses (but not the main white dress, that's in a special box) and my notepapers and birthday hats (from when I went to theme parks during my birthday).

24. Would you like to be born as yourself again?

Yes and no.  I'm pretty happy with myself and my life right now but I wouldn't mind coming back as someone better looking and definitely a lot less lazy.

25. Morning person or night owl?

Night owl.  I have a hard time falling asleep at night because my brain is always working overtime and have a terrible time trying to get up in the mornings.

26. Over easy or sunny side up?

Sunny side up with runny yolk.

27. Favourite place to relax?

At home - the couch.

Otherwise - somewhere near a body of water, be it the beach, beside a river or near a pond.  With some foliage in the surroundings areas, or in the case of the beach, lots of clean sand.

28. Favourite ice-cream flavour?

It used to be rum and raisin.  I still like rum and raisin but not religiously like before.  Now I like yoghurt, lemon and anything else that is tangy and mostly fruity.

I tag Heriwanti, Joanne and Diana!

About a zillion years ago, Teenage Misanthropy posed the question of why there aren't more gay mental health blogs.  It's an interesting question, and one I tried to write about, first in a comment on the post itself, and then, when I couldn't make that come out sounding halfway understandable, in three separate abortive attempts to write a post for my own blog.  This is attempt number four, and I think I may be able to make this one work because, in one of those quirks of serendipity that seem to happen quite often in the blogosphere, there's a post on Mentally Interesting which is about a different issue, but captures quite a lot of what I was trying to work out how to say about the lack of gay MH blogs.

Or, to put it another way, I'm going to steal somebody else's ideas, modify them very slightly, and pass them off as my own... ;o)

The post in question deals with the issue of ‘feminist guilt' for being a woman with a MH problem.  It is, like all the other posts that appear over there, fascinating and brilliantly written, and you absolutely should read it.  I hope I'm not paraphrasing too wildly, but one of the points made is that feminism teaches that women should be strong, capable and independent, and that having a MH problem makes it impossible (or, at best, bloody difficult) to live up to that ideal.  I think there's a parallel phenomenon with gay people and blogging, and I think that may be why there seem to be fewer MH blogs written by gay people than statistics suggest there should be.

From the early 70s onwards, the main focus of "gay liberation" (now there's an old-fashioned phrase for you - it goes along with people talking about "women's lib") has been on the idea of "pride".  There have been specific political campaigns at various times, but that's been the overarching principle.  The main visible component of the movement has been Pride marches.

I like the idea of Pride.  I like it because it's as much (or even more) about changing the internal self-image of gay people (and latterly transgender people too) as it is about changing external reality in the forms of laws and so on.  The main aim of the Pride movement, I think, has been to create entire generations of gay people who are proud of who and what they are, and who live their lives accordingly.  I have to say, it seems to have been dazzlingly successful.

I think one of the main reasons public attitudes to homosexuality have shifted so far and so fast is that so many people either personally know someone who's gay, or know someone who knows someone who is.  It's very hard to think of homosexuals as strange and threatening when you have personal experience of them as "that nice guy Steve in accounts."  Most of these gay people haven't been especially political - plenty of them would refuse to attend a political rally, I'm sure - but just by being themselves, just by quietly living an "out" life, they've changed the world, or at least the Western parts of it.  Even though not all of these people may have been to a Pride march or festival themselves, the seeds for the social revolution were sown there.

But there is a downside to Pride.  Pride achieves its effect by promoting a particular image of gay people: happy, self-confident, emotionally stable, and romantically fulfilled.  This image was promoted for very good reasons - it contradicted the negative image of gay people as sad, lonely, and unfulfilled.  Over time, as marketing people began to realise there was such a thing as the ‘Pink Pound', this same image was picked up by companies trying to sell things, and has gradually become part of a packaged "gay lifestyle."  This means that people who fulfil the ‘gay ideal' are now supposed to be: happy, self-confident, emotionally stable, romantically fulfilled, improbably good-looking, rich, dressed in designer clothes, and with all the latest gadgets at their fingertips.  In fact, pretty much their entire lives should be fabulous.

Now, of course, this is a marketing myth.  Very few gay people would take it entirely seriously (although the BBC3 series Spendaholics managed to find at least one).  It's not so different to the equally mythical images of perfect people with perfect lives that are used to sell things to straight people.  Where it is different, though, is that it is, in part, based on the fundamental "Pride image".  That means, as well as the "my life seems like shit compared to that" issue that everyone with MH problems faces, gay people also feel a sense of "letting the side down".

Of course, as the post on Mentally Interesting makes clear, it's not just gay people who feel excessive and inappropriate guilt just for being mentally ill.  But I do think the guilt screw is given an extra little twist for gay people.

By not being happy, self-confident and so on, I'm not just letting the side down by failing to be like everyone else.  I'm also letting the side down because I'm providing ammunition for the sorts of people who still like to argue that being gay means living a lonely, sad and unfulfilled existence.  My life as it is at the moment doesn't serve as a positive example; instead I'm some kind of an "anti-Pride" figure.  My life doesn't say, ‘Hey kids, you're gay?  Great, that means you can be happy and successful, just like me!'  Instead it says, ‘You're gay?  Oh dear, that means you could end up like this.'

I think this is all made a little bit worse because one of the ways that people used to be nasty to poofs was by telling us we were mentally ill.  I know this is a factor in the way I think.  When I was still quite young, but old enough to know what gay was, and be properly aware that I was gay (which happened pretty young for me), I saw a letter in the Radio Times, of all places, that said something along the lines of, ‘Of course, all homosexuals are mentally ill, and most of them have other kinds of mental illness too.'  I don't remember any of the context - I imagine the letter must have been in response to a TV or radio programme - but I've always seen it as my duty to prove that nasty-minded little letter-writer wrong.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that I still feel quite a bit of guilt about this.  I am worried that by being open both about being gay and being a bit of loony I'm Letting Down The Team.  I know the guilt is irrational.  I know it's incredibly arrogant of me to think that my inane wurblings could have any effect on the general social opinion of gay people.  But I still feel guilty, though.

So, this is (finally!) my suggestion as to why there might be a lack of gay people blogging about their own experience of MH problems.  Basically, I think that everyone with a mental illness is likely to feel guilty about it, but that gay people are likely to feel even more guilty.  I think that extra guilt can lead to a couple of responses.

On the one hand, I think it can lead to us being so keen to stress that being gay has nothing to do with mental ill-health that we decide not to mention our sexual orientation when we blog about our MH problems.  On the other hand, I think it can encourage us to keep quiet about the whole thing, and so never decide to keep a blog in the first place.  Or, at any rate, that's my suggestion, for what it's worth.

And, on that note, I'd just like to say - hurrah, I got to the end of the post without forgetting what it was I was trying to say in the first place.

*pats self on head*

But, having re-read it, now I find myself wondering whether it was really worth saying in the first place...

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Anyway.... Mind had so claim the regular year.