They also expect the EDS name to be retired.  Their two experts seem to agree that the name will be retired at some point but they disagree about when.  One guy says that HP has better name mojo than EDS so he expects that the EDS name will go away pretty soon, but the other guy says that the EDS name has better mojo within the IT services industry so he expects it to stay for at least 3 years.

When they announced the acquisition I expected the EDS name to go away immediately and I was kind of surprised that they were going to keep it.  But the new brand name "EDS - an HP company" has a very interim sound to it so I wouldn't be surprised to see the EDS name go away pretty soon.

I've been a little off all day.  This morning started fine - much better than yesterday, when I had to muster every scrap of strength I had to get out of bed and to the potty, and then waited to catch my breath before covering those twenty-some feet back to the bed again.  It was another twenty minutes before I had the strength to hold the phone up to my head to tell maplestar not to expect my customary driving-to-work phone call, because I was going back to sleep.  And sleep I did, for two more hours.  When I woke, I hurt ALL over, and I couldn't figure out why, because I really kept a fairly slow and even pace all weekend.  But today, though I didn't exactly spring out of bed, I did get up (mostly) willingly when my radio came on at 6, and my hot shower felt exquisitely wonderful.

At work, I got an email from the concert band I tried to play with last year, testing the email list before the new season starts in a couple weeks.  Alas, I had trouble because the chairs were too high for my 4'9" frame, and the flute is quite literally a pain in the neck.  But now... I can't even play my flute for fifteen minutes, much less make it through a two-hour rehearsal on a too-tall chair.  I might be able to play piccolo, if I had a chair the right height for me.  But I'd also have a 45-minute drive each way to rehearsals, on Sunday nights.  That's probably a day's worth of spoons right there.  So I wrote back to him, apologizing and saying that my illness doesn't allow me to play with the band any more.  As I sat back in my chair, looking at the words before hitting Send, my eyes clouded with tears, and I clicked the button before I could have a second thought.  I know it's not realistic to play with the band any more.  Maybe in a few years... but maybe not.  The thing is, I've played flute since I was 8 years old.  Think about yourself for a moment - how many things do you have that you've strongly identified with since you were eight years old?  It's probably not very many.  I can tick them off on one hand - girl, my parents' child, sister of my sister, lover of books, flutist - and that last one is fading away from me.  Yes, I still love music.  I could never live without being able to listen to music, to sing music, to create music.  I didn't know what a blow it would be to me to send that one email.

So I've been rather thoughtful since then.  I've recognized that I'm definitely in a time of grieving, and I have to tell you, grieving sucks.  Sue at InnerDorothy wrote back in June about how it feels strange to mourn for one's future.  There are so many little things that I find to mourn.  I sat in the conference room today for a couple hours for an all-hands meeting with our program manager, the VP who is his boss, and the president of our division at work.  I didn't think to bring my own chair in, but a couple hours in a "normal" chair made me absolutely miserable.  After everything broke up, I knew my boss would be schmoozing and hosting with the bigwigs for a while, so I went and lay down on the floor of his office for a little bit, to try to relax some of the spasming muscles and stabbing, throbbing joints.  I was focused on breathing and progressively relaxing when he came back in, and I apologized and got back up off the floor and went back to my cubicle.  Lying down definitely helped, though the floor rather sucked, and I felt physically better as I got back to work.  Aches and throbs returned, though, and I left as soon as I hit my eight hours for the day.

It hurts me to hold a pen or pencil and write now.  I love to keep a written journal, but my hand cramps within a few lines and I have to rest it.  If I were going to write two pages each morning in my journal, it would take over an hour.  I used to send maplestar a handwritten letter every Friday, usually about four pages inside a card, but now I just... can't.  I still send a card with some writing inside now and then, but my hands just don't allow me to write very much any more.

I love to read, but it hurts to hold up books.  And while I do have a couple of devices to make it easier to sit up and read - but for the whole feet reaching the floor thing - but I most love to read in bed, to unwind and relax until I'm sleepy rather than merely (merely - HA!) tired.  When I read in bed, though, my neck and shoulders cramp, and my hand and wrist tighten and cramp from holding the book.  Even when I shift position frequently, I still end up paying for it.

And though I definitely complain about it, I actually do like to mow the lawn.  But it's not even work talking about going there.

Some days, it just feels like my brain should just be wired straight into the computer, because the rest of my body is too difficult to deal with.

So I'm mourning that.  Mourning all the things I want to do, but that are too costly for me to do any more.  There is a real sense of loss there, even though the loss is my hopes, my wishes, my dreams, my future.  Of course, it's my present, too, as I see the light bulbs that need to be changed, the sink full of dishes, the greasy pan on the stove, the weeds almost a foot high in my back yard, the laundry baskets full of clothes that need to be hung on six-foot-high bars (remember that 4'9" part?).

Perhaps one of the ways God can work in me to redeem this awful illness is to help me find my contemplative.  I'm always so active, and I have a hard time just being.  I'm definitely a Martha person, rather than a Mary.  But I'm being forced to be Mary, though the Martha inside me cringes at all the work undone.  But I don't know.  I don't know when - if ever - I'll know what lights of redemption I will find through this journey.  I just know that God is at work, that God is present, that God loves me more than my wildest imaginings, even when I tell God off for letting this happen to me.

God's peace be upon you, my friends.  May you imagine your wildest imaginings, your biggest and boldest and most audacious imaginings - and know that God loves you wilder and bigger and bolder and, um, audaciouser than those.  May you be blessed with sleep tonight, and may God's light shine on you to light your path in the morning.

• Disability
• • Disability: Short-term disability income taxes
• • Disability : Disability Insurance Claim Advice - Consultant and Negotiator(-)
• • Disability : Disability insurance premiums
• • Disability: American Conference Institute Conference on Litigating Long Term Disability
• • Disability: Employers use federal law to deny benefits - Yahoo! News(-)
• • Disability: Is Social Security and Medicare Sustainable?
• • Disability: LTD Group Manual.pdf
• • Disability: My Disability Claim was Denied, Should I Reapply?
• • Disability: Ninth Circuit Shoots Down Disability Claim for Copying Charges : ERISA and Disability Benefits Law Blog
• • Disability: Reporting Social Security Disability Fraud - before doing so, read this first(-)
• • Disability: Should your Doctor determine if you get Social Security Disability or SSI?
• • Disability: Sixth Circuit: IME Results Doom Plaintiff's Disability Claim
• • Disability: Social Security Disability Benefits | AllFinancialMatters
• • Disability: Surveillance Techniques in the Disability Insurance Industry v
• • Disability: Who Qualifies for SSI Disability Benefits?
• • Disability: Will Social Security Disability Consider my Work History?

• Forum
• • Forum: I was diagnosed with a collagen elasticity disorder by my geneticist
• • Forum: Need Help with toe & knee ouchiness
• • Forum: New dx and a question about rheumatology appt.
• • Forum: saw the PT for the first time and guess what?
• • Forum: TENS unit and US airport security(-)
• • Forum: The differences between EDS and General Hypermobility
• • Forum: What the Geneticist Told my Dr - EDS is not disabiling

• Medical
• • Medical: A novel therapeutic strategy for Ehlers–Danlos syndrome based on nutritional supplements .
• • Medical: Abnormal Retinal Blood Vessels in Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type VI(-)
• • Medical: Coping - Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.
• • Medical: Determinants of Patient Satisfaction Following Surgery for Multidirectional Instability(-)
• • Medical: Dr. Diana Driscoll Speaks at The National Ehlers-Danlos Foundation Meeting on the Ocular Effects of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (excellent handouts forr your doctor plus general tips on managing EDS)
• • Medical: Dr. Diana Driscoll To Speak Before the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation National Meeting
• • Medical: Ehlers--Danlos syndrome and multiple sclerosis: a possible association -- Vilisaar et al. 14 (4): 567 -- Multiple Sclerosis
• • Medical: Exercise In A Pill: Researchers Identify Drugs That Enhance Exercise Endurance(-)
• • Medical: Fourth International Consultation On Incontinence (ICI) - Pathophysiology Committee Highlights(-)
• • Medical: Isolated Acute Dislocation of the Proximal Tibiofibular Joint(-)
• • Medical: Pharmocological Implications and EDS
• • Medical: The Brain Is Harmed By Chronic Pain

• News
• • News: BillingsGazette.com :: Benefit planned for Laurel woman
• • News: Bridlington boy's hopes of life-changing surgery dashed by doctors(-)
• • News: Dennis children help transform vacant area(-)
• • News: Dr. Diana Driscoll To Speak Before the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation National Meeting " The Eye Doc Blog
• • News: Father in a world of pain(-)
• • News: Feldenkrais: helping the body adjust to problems(-)
• • News: Lady Lake resident needs surgery to relieve the effects of rare neurological disorder
• • News: Last-Resort Op Is A Sore Point - The Daily Record
• • News: Medical records on the internet: a revolution in healthcare or a security disaster waiting to happen? - Times Online(-)
• • News: Nathan: Such a great zest for living - Brighouse Today(-)
• • News: National Arthritis Foundation(-)
• • News: New careers website launched for teens
• • News: Our darling Nathan was loved by so many: 13-year-old dies only days before vital op - Halifax Today(-)
• • News: Rare illness means Alex's joints fall apart up to 70 times a day and he has to be put back together
• • News: Reston Resident Blogs About Her Health to Help Educate Others
• • News: Savannah smiles
• • News: Teenager sets off on end-to-end trip - John O'Groat Journal and Caithness Courier
• • News: UK event: Mid Sussex - HMSA Awareness and Fundraiser
• • News: Woman Uses MySpace to Fight Rare Diseases

• Video
• • Video: ABC News: Denied: Fighting For Insurance Coverage(-)
• • Video: Ehlers Danlos Video
• • Video: Elastic People

Please feel free to start promoting the EDS Alert Newsletter where ever you think it might help. Note for readers who use RSS feeds - the link to set up your own feed is here.

This is our quarterly round-up of information about Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS). For more information about me and this newsletter, please look here for Sources of Medical Info and Support Groups.

We only link to publicly accessible entries and websites. If you would like your post removed from this newsletter please drop a comment below or e-mail us at: edsalert@gmail.com. Please remember when you’re visiting people’s personal blogs or diaries that these often contain information of a personal and sensitive nature and to respect their privacy and concerns. We only quote excerpts from articles that require subscriptions or paid memberships to access.

Have you ever been a medical mystery? I'm talking about those patients whose symptoms fail to fall neatly into the diagnostic criteria for a particular illness. You go to your doctor feeling really ill, your doctor listens carefully to your woes and recommends a battery of tests to help with the diagnosis. Several days later, your doctor rings to tell you that all your tests have come back normal. You're still feeling lousy and you're meant to be pleased with this news?

I've found an interesting new blog written by A Country Doctor (based in the USA) which provides a refreshing look at illness. Today he discusses how the labelling of a patient can affect a patient's response to an illness. "Labels are good if they help you understand what’s going on, and bad if they lock you into some sort of fixed category where you either don’t believe you can get out or, perhaps worse, start to feel comfortable and liberated from your own responsibility for your life and health." Receiving a diagnosis is never any fun but sometimes it's almost preferable to not knowing what's wrong. There's little to recommend about being a medical mystery. The patient is suffering from very real symptoms yet nobody seems to be able to explain why and it's not unusual for them to get to a stage where they begin to doubt their own sanity. Doctors these days have a large array of tests available to them to assist with a diagnosis. It seems that the days are gone when doctors rely on their own diagnostic skills to make a judgement. Today, tests are often ordered before an opinion is given. If the tests fail to show any abnormality, doctors generally take great pride in reassuring the patient that all is normal. However, from the patient's perspective all is not normal if they continue to suffer from the original symptoms and are no closer to receiving help with the problem. As the Country Doctor says "Somehow in the last generation of doctors, we seem to have lost our ability, or perhaps our perceived right, to give patients advice about their health; only if we diagnose them with a disease, or pre-disease, do we have something to tell them."

Having been a medical puzzle myself for many years, I can assure you that it was a huge relief to finally receive a diagnosis. The missing piece of the jigsaw was found and suddenly my medical history made sense. My 'label' has not caused me to become fixated with illness, rather it has helped me to understand my condition more fully and to take responsibility for my own health. When I consult a medical doctor, it's because I want to find out what it is wrong and receive advice on how best to deal with the symptoms. I think that doctors would do well to remember that not all patients have symptoms that fit the label and very often, these are the patients who most need their help.

My beloved maplestar returned home to Canada today, after a monthlong visit with me.  It was the perfect month, full of active times and rest times, prolo sessions and recovery, road trips and a dinner party, times with my kids here and times when it was just the two of us, even a week when he was taking part in a conference and I was on travel for my job.  And now it's over.

Last night, the rector of my parish stopped by for a little over an hour for a talk about our plans for marrying next year.  It was a very good talk, both about our individual stories, our story together, and the story of this month.  Maplestar and I seem to be in a very healthy place, and while we both have some inner work to do - of course, there is always inner work to do! - we are doing well for ourselves and for each other.  And we both know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what we have is real and good and forever.  We both had noticed the coincidences of our meeting online and falling out of touch and meeting again, as well as the breadth of our shared and individual interests.  We both had cared for, supported, and prayed each other through some really tough times and some really joyous times.  We had come to the realization that God had brought us together, and that bond is precious and sacred to us.  This was not an easy month.  We definitely had some bumps in the road, but we hurdled those together, as partners.  Even when we are in conflict, we are still we and not him and me - and I'll be the first to admit that based on my prior relationship experience, I sometimes have a hard time recognizing when we're even having a conflict!

The kids went home with their dad last night, after I'd said good-night to them and gone to bed under the influence of a cocktail of medications, and now they're away on a trip to Texas to visit their aunt and uncle and baby cousin.  The house feels so empty and quiet now.  I'm here, and my beloved conure Trillian, and Her Majesty, the Queen of Drama, and the Lady Midnight, Empress of Everything, and the rascally little Esther Gabriel Kittenpants.  But all I hear right now are the clicks of my keyboard, the hum of the cooling fan, the whoosh of the air conditioner.

I prayed Evening Prayer, using the Tallis Canon for the Phos Hilaron and my Anglican Chant Psalter for tonight's psalms.  St. Francis of Asisi said, when you sing, you pray twice, and he was definitely telling the truth.  Somehow, even when you're caught up in getting the words and the notes right, the prayer goes through you by a different path than when you read the words out loud, or even pray them silently.  Last week while I was traveling, I re-started the discipline of praying the morning and evening offices each day.  It is funny how I know I love them, need them, crave them... and then somehow or other, will fall out of the practice of praying them.  Evening Prayer tends to fall by the wayside first, with all the busy-ness that comes after getting home from work, checking the mail and the messages, helping with homework, preparing and serving supper, tending to the beasties.  It's so very easy to put off that office until... oops! it's bedtime now, and I forgot Evening Prayer!  Even when I was unemployed and praying the fourfold daily office, there were plenty of days I wound up praying a combined Evening Prayer and Compline, in the quiet after the rest of the family had gone to bed.

I'm hurting tonight, too.  Because I was taking maplestar to the airport around 12:30 today, and I wanted and needed to be fully alert for that, I held off on my morning meds until I got back home from the airport.  My evening meds will include the prescribed double dose of darvocet, because the pain has been building all afternoon.  Stress based?  Partially, I'm sure.  And I continue to be amazed by the amount of heat my body puts off when it's hurting.  You could run a hand over my skin and tell exactly where the pain is worst by the intensity of the heat.  I made my physical therapy appointment, and I looked around some more and made some phone calls to try to find a local support group for people who struggle with chronic pain.  I found a couple, but the phone numbers and email addresses associated with them seem to be dead now.  Meanwhile, I left messages with my former therapist, with my daughter's counselor, and with the rector at my parish.  If I come up empty-handed, I'll try to get a group started that meets at my parish, since it is conveniently located right next to a hospital.  It would be a great ministry for the church, and a great outreach to the community.

I signed up to take Hebrew I "for personal enrichment" tonight, at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary.  I know a lady who has earned an MDiv from them, by distance-learning and classroom education in Massachusetts, and recommended them for flexibility and support.  If this semester course goes well, if I'm comfortable with the school and the faculty, if I do okay with the discipline of a mostly self-paced distance class, then I will sign up for Hebrew II (and most likely Greek I and II, maybe their Old Testament and New Testament survey courses) for credit.  Their North Carolina campus offers a certificate in biblical studies, which is not a full Master's degree, but would be a nice thing to work for and to have.  I've also moved from the general to the specific in my ongoing work of listening for God's voice and discerning what I'm hearing.  I'll have more to say on that subject in the future, but prayers for a listening heart and a wise, discerning mind would definitely be welcome.

Well, I've kept myself mostly occupied for almost six hours now.  Soon enough, I'll be out of things I can do to distract myself from the quietness in the house, from the feelings of emptiness and isolation.  The first night after maplestar and I have visited and parted is always the hardest, and then somehow we manage to pick up our routines again.  His full cycle will start up in a couple weeks again; with the new school year, he'll have piano students, and church choir, and accompanying work.  I'll have my daughter back in a week or so, and time with both kids as they begin their school year as well.  I'll have physical therapy, and maybe chronic pain support group meetings.  As always, I have church, and soon I'll have Sunday school discussion group facilitation.  There will be plenty of stuff to fill up the time... but not tonight.  Tonight, I have only myself, my pets, my quiet house, my pain.

There's nothing wrong with the house being quiet and empty - there are always times when I wish everybody else would just go away and leave me alone.  Of course, the problem with that is, sometimes, you get that wish, and then you have to live with it.

Good night, my friends.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you.
The Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.
Amen.

Keep watch, dear Lord,
with those who work
and watch
and weep this night,
and give your angels charge
over those who sleep.
Tend the sick, Lord Christ;
give rest to the weary;
bless the dying;
soothe the suffering;
pity the afflicted;
shield the joyous,
and all for your love's sake.
Amen.

I have to admit, though, that this first series of prolo doesn't seem to have changed a whole lot yet.  If I miss a dose of my muscle relaxants (skelaxin during the day and flexeril at night), then I pay for it for the rest of the day and all of the next.  The prolo treatments seem to give me a couple days of increased stiffness around my neck and shoulders, followed by a couple of pretty good days... and then I return to the same old spasms and pain.  We're hoping that this final treatment will result in some relief from the pain, because my body needs a break from being held in a state of constant inflammation for the last seven weeks.  In the meantime, we'll have to decide which joints to go after next, and I'll have to think about having to shell out $550 per treatment.  Right now, I'll admit that the $1,650 I've spent this summer for the privilege of having all those needles stuck into the back of my neck isn't seeming to be worth it, but I'm trying to keep my mind and heart open.

There are some aspects of chronic pain that I'd found myself unprepared for.  It is hard to describe the toll that it takes on you to never find relief, to not remember what it felt like to be free of pain, to wonder what it would be like to have a single day of respite and fun without having to worry about paying the price for it later.  Everything I undertake has a price, and that cost comes in pain, in enforced rest, in having to take additional, stronger meds for the breakthrough pain, in losing work, in losing sleep.  If I watch a movie at night and go to bed late, I hurt more the next morning.  If I mow the lawn, I hurt more the next day.  If I take a plane trip to a week of meetings with my coworkers, I hurt more while I'm there, and I'm miserable when I get home.  There have been several times in the last few days when I've just wanted to cry, not so much from the pain itself, but from the frustration and drain of its persistency and constancy.

Back ten years ago, when I was struggling with severe depression, I asked over and over, God, why me?  A therapist turned the question around on me, in a way that was powerful even though I resented it: Why not you?  He had a point.  Everyone has a struggle, everyone has some form of pain or suffering.  One person's may be rheumatoid arthritis; another may struggle with alcoholism; another lost her legs in a car accident; mine, at the time, was depression.  Today, mine is EDS, which is invisible just like depression is, but still has measurable effects on me.  I guess it is a measure of my growth in the last ten years, but I have not found myself asking why me? this time.  I have asked God simply why?, but I don't know whether any human can really know or understand the answer to this question.

Right now, I'm experiencing pain in every part of my body.  Did you know that your toes have knuckles, too?  Or that the knuckle joints at the base of your fingers could hurt?  How on earth do you rest your hip and sacro-iliac joints, so that they are completely neutral?  It amazes me, sometimes, how many different places I can feel the pain.  I know that both of my elbows have subluxed, as well as both wrists, both shoulders, and something in the hip/SI region on both sides as well.  My ankles and knees are aching, and may be out of place as well.  Thankfully, my doctor wrote an order yesterday for me to see my physical therapist again, a couple times a month, so that he can put all my joints back into place on a regular basis.  We are both hoping that this will keep the worst of the pain down and help us avoid complications and aggravations from a joint being subluxed for a long time.

In addition to icing my neck and back, I'm wearing my wrist splints again and thinking about ordering ring splints for my fingers.  I wish I had more of the long-lasting cold packs - I have two that the surgical center gave me after my rotator cuff repair last summer, and they stay cold for about eight hours each.  Of course, the sleeve for them is designed for the shoulder, and doesn't work quite as well for other body parts, in terms of being able to attach the ice pack and leave it alone for a couple hours without having to adjust it.  But I'll look for some other solutions, and see what I can find.

In the meantime, I would like to find someone to help me with some of the cognitive and emotional aspects of the chronic pain, to help me find techniques to settle my thoughts and feelings when I become frustrated or even despondent.  I have a therapist I've worked with before, and I'll probably call him first, but I don't know how much he knows about the cognitive and emotional and spiritual aspects of pain.  Of course, this is just one more time commitment, one more thing to take me away from work and home... and one more monetary cost from this disorder, along with the prescriptions, the copayments, the prolotherapy that is not covered by insurance, the ice packs, the splints and wraps, the ergonomic devices.

Ah well.  I'm sore, and I'm sleepy now from my meds, so I need to take a nap.  Yes, a nap, barely two and a half hours after getting up.  But that's how this goes sometimes.

Today, I am grateful for ice packs and pain relievers, and the support of those who care for me.  Be at peace, my friends.

This story tells us that this was about eight days after Jesus foretold his death and resurrection and that Jesus and Moses and Elijah were speaking of his departure.  I can only imagine the contrast between this gorgeous, beautiful, powerful mountaintop experience - being up there with Jesus, who you know to be the savior, and Moses, who brought the law to your people, and Elijah, the greatest of the prophets - and then the realization that you do not have much more time with Jesus, that he really is going to die and leave you... and soon.  You see the cloud gather, and hear God speak to you and scold you, and then you are left alone with Jesus again, in silence.  Every year, I try to imagine the parts of the story that didn't make it into the gospel - how long did they all sit up there on top of the mountain in silence, before starting back down?  What was that trudge back down the mountain like?  Was it companionable or awkward?  Did they speak and sing, or were their footfalls the only sounds to break the silence?  What happened when they rejoined the rest of the disciples?  Were there lots of questions?  What did they tell their friends, the people they lived and traveled with, after Jesus asked them to remain silent?

Last year, I wrote a story about the walk down the mountain, told from the point of view of young John.  In the story, all three disciples were unsure what to think, and they walked in awkward, uncomfortable silence until Jesus broke it with words.  And I wrote another story, about a teenaged girl who found her heart transfigured at the top of a mountain.  I was full of awe and wonder, imagining the Transfiguration and what it would have looked like, sounded like, felt like.  This is a story, I believe, that we are called to engage with, to dive into and try to experience with all our senses.  Some of us are able to immerse ourselves into that place of active imagination, and others of us need to be guided along the way.  But there are so many revelations waiting for us in scripture, if we allow ourselves to soak in the words, to reflect and contemplate, to practice lectio divina or some other method for engaging with the word.

Today, this Sunday, I almost decided to stay home from church.  But it is the last Sunday of maplestar's visit from Canada, so I went for his sake, knowing how powerful it can be to simply bother to show up when I don't really feel like it.  We had a quick breakfast on the way, and got to the church comfortably before the service began.  During the opening hymn, the pain started - I've had incredible pain in my entire body since last Monday's flight to Minnesota; it hasn't gone below about 7 out of 10 in a week now - and I had to set aside my hymnal because my hands hurt too much to hold it.  Sitting down was fine... for a few minutes, and then my hips and ankles and back and hands and neck started spasming and stabbing.  Standing up would give relief for a moment, and then the pain would start in again.  By the start of the sermon, I was in tears.  By the start of the eucharistic prayer, I knew that if I wanted to be able to drive home, I wasn't going to be able to go up to the rail.  The rector glanced up at me a couple times, as if weighing what he should do, but decided to let things be unless he got a request.  After the closing hymn, I sat back down to listen to the organ postlude, and whispered into maplestar's ear a request that he ask the rector if he could please communicate me from the reserved elements.  As the crowd thinned out at the rear of the nave, I heard the rector's voice agreeing happily and wondering how I was doing.  He checked in on me first, then gathered the bread and a little wine, communicated me, and then laid his hands on my head to pray for me and bless me.  I really needed to take part in the Feast today, with my third - and final, for this series - session of prolotherapy tomorrow morning, and maplestar's departure scheduled for Wednesday, yes, the Feast of the Transfiguration.  Then both men helped me to stand, and I hobbled back out to my car to drive home, where I took my last darvocet and lay down to rest horizontally.

When I read the collect for the Transfiguration, one line in particular sang out for me:

Mercifully grant that we,
being delivered from the disquietude of this world,
may by faith behold
the King in his beauty.

Our prayer on this day is to help us to set aside the disquietude - to ascend to a quiet place - where we are able to behold Jesus in his white, glistening raiment, and know that we, too, are the Beloved, the Chosen, of God.  It can be so difficult to pull away from the disquietude of this world.  We have to find those quiet places, and not all of them are so obvious as the summit of an isolated mountain.  Some of those quiet places may be libraries or bookstores, may be beautiful parks or forests, may be desert or jungle, may be churches or synagogues or mosques.  Some of them may be within ourselves.  And it is those places of quiet where we can meet Jesus, arrayed in glory, infused with light, surrounded by the communion of saints.

Then, once we have beheld Christ in this way, it is time to say farewell to that place of quiet, of contemplation, of glory, of holiness, of change, and to return to the physical world again.  But on that journey back to the world, on that strange walk down the mountain, we have to move from quiet into speech, from holding secrets to finding the right times to reveal them, from a place of absolute holiness into a flawed and broken world.

Up on the mountain, Jesus learned what was going to happen to him in the next days, about his capture and arrest, his interrogation, his beating and crucifixion, his death and burial.  We may learn very difficult things on those mountaintops, when we are delivered from the disquietude of this world, and we need that walk back to this world to begin to take those things in.  And once we have, the morning star shall rise in our hearts, and we will become, as Peter says, that lamp shining in a dark place.  People who know themselves and the very deepest truths about their lives do indeed shine like a light in the dark.

Today, at church, I was definitely in a place of disquietude, even in the midst of my brothers and sisters at a parish I know to be my home.  But once the service ended, in the elements of holy communion, the rector of the parish helped deliver me to one of those quiet places, and I beheld God in his eyes and in maplestar's.  It lasted for a short moment, but I know that it happened.  And perhaps, when I'm in the worst of the pain, I can hold on to that memory, that knowledge, and bring the shining light of Jesus - found in the eyes of those who helped me as Jesus helped all he met - back into the forefront, where it can deliver me from the disquietude again.

Beloved friends, I hope that you will find those places of quiet, that you will be able to behold God in God's beauty.  And I wish you a glorious, blessed Feast of the Transfiguration.

I wonder how these expense cuts will work.  I hope somebody goes to the trouble of actually identifying the areas where expenses are out of line and cutting the expenses there.  However what will probably happen will be that an edict will come down that all groups have to cut expenses by $x so that the groups where expenses are already cut to the bone will be cut down even more.

This was the view from my 'hotel' last night.

And the lovely view from my bedroom window.

My hotel for the night, with broadband connection.

A salmon jumping on the river at Ballynahinch Castle.

Galway hooker in Roundstone Bay.

Herbaceous border in restored Victorian gardens at Kylemore Abbey.

Cut turf drying out on Roundstone Bog.

Sea Holly growing on a Connemara beach.

We've had some very good times over the years camping in this location, especially when our children were young. On this occasion however, we only spent the last night of our holiday in a tent. The rest of the time we 'cheated' by staying in the luxury of the Ardagh Hotel, just outside Clifden on the Ballyconneely Road. This is a place we've also come to love in recent years as our bones grow older and wearier. Our two night stay this weekend included a 5-course gourmet dinner plus two superb breakfasts and the price was €149 per person sharing. To put this into perspective, it costs me at least €150 each time I have to see a specialist. I'll leave you to guess which one leaves me feeling better.

I hope these pictures are enough to make Bendy Girl happy too!

Miss Esther Gabriel Kittenpants was showing more signs of a kitty-cold today, but I wasn't terrifically worried because she's still eating well, and because we had a vet appointment scheduled for her.  She is fine - no feline leukemia or FIV - but for her kitty-cold and a case of roundworms.  She had her first worming and came home with a bag full of medicines, and I know she'll be back to normal soon.  She's very playful, very spunky - a real little fighter - and my daughter loves to call her Scrap.

After supper, my daughter amused herself by getting on my nerves.  Her favorite game is to push and push and push, until the point I tell her she absolutely cannot push any further... and then she pushes and pushes and pushes some more until I blow up and yell at her.  THEN she plays the victim card, unable to understand why everybody is always yelling at her.  (Yeah, very teenagery.  I know.)  So tonight, I just got quiet.  We were in a pet supply store, and I asked her and her brother to go look at the fish while I finished up.  Instead, they snuck up behind me and tried to startle me.  I repeated my request, and they walked away, and then did the same thing again.  Finally maplestar took the cart and made some evasive maneuvers while I went down around the other side of the store to the registers, and I had a few moments of silence to settle myself enough for when the kids caught back up with us.  Once we were all rung up and getting back into the car, my daughter started up with me again.  I just remained quiet, feeling my frustration and anger, recognizing them for what they are, but not expressing them in ways that would be counterproductive.  Instead, once we got home, I took my sudoku book into the bedroom, shut the door most of the way, and stretched out in the quiet to try to relax.  The anger started to soak back into the earth, and in the quiet I was able to restore my emotional equilibrium.  It's amazing how our family members are the ones most able to push us into those reactions.  Ah, well.

My daughter had a session with her math tutor tonight, and they started working on some geometry as a preview of her course work this coming school-year.  I can see her feeling more confident about math, and she is already liking geometry much better than she liked algebra ,which didn't surprise me one little bit.

We went out for Italian ices, and after that maplestar and I made some music.  I sang a couple of the songs I worked on this year, while he accompanied me on the piano.  Then I took out my flute, and we tried my favorite Bach sonata with the harpsichord.  It was... mostly okay.  The tuning on the harpsichord was different, so I ended up reading the E-flat sonata in the key of E, so that we could match pitches.  So the note names would be the same, but instead of three flats, I was playing four sharps, and all the accidentals and the scale passages (where my fingers knew what they were supposed to do, but that was all wrong for being a half-step higher) tripped me up.  I can sight-read something where I have to transpose in my head without too much problem - though the accidentals can trip me up - but to do that with a piece I know so intimately was really difficult.

After that, I played a couple more things on my flute, and I realized that I hadn't even taken it out of its case since Easter Sunday... and before that, I hadn't taken it out of its case since late December.  I only played for about fifteen minutes, and even with the special device my flute teacher had made me for my right hand, it was completely cramped and had to be massaged back into normal shape.  My neck was spasming, my back was tight, and the pain was building in my hips and knees.  My heart had been flying from the music, and I realized that making music on my flute is going to be one more thing I will mourn.  After twenty-eight years, I don't think I can consider myself a flutist any more.  There aren't many things I have identified as a part of myself for longer than that.  A female, perhaps, the daughter of my parents, the sister of my sister.  A lover of books and reading.  I could never give up music entirely - that would eat the soul out of my body in no time - but it looks like this part of my identity will need to be properly remembered, buried, and mourned.

About a month ago, one of my favorite bloggers and just one of my favorite people, wrote a blog post about grieving for lost futures.  This Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, this chronic pain - it will never completely go away.  I will never be the same person I was a few years ago.  I will always have to make decisions, will always have to weigh my activities against the pain and harm they could cause to my body - if I go bowling with the folks from work tonight, how will I have to pay for that tomorrow?  if I fix supper tonight, when I'm already so exhausted, will I be able to make it into the office tomorrow morning?  if I spend the afternoon out, will I have the energy for the housework I have waiting for me?  if my son doesn't help me mow my lawn, will it tear up my joints to do it myself?  Playing the flute makes my heart dance, makes my soul leap... but it makes my hand stay curled like a claw, and it makes my neck and skull and back muscles spasm, after a mere fifteen minutes.

Right now, my son is playing his favorite online computer game.  My daughter is tucked into bed, curled around tiny Esther Gabriel.  Maplestar has gone to bed, too, but I'm too wound up yet to sleep.  I have pain all through my body, from dull aches to sharp stabs, and my mind is still unsettled.  I have a book to read, sudoku puzzles to solve, a couch to lie on with my ice pack.  I have many things to thank God for - a wonderful home, awesome (if annoying) children, an absolutely amazing fiance.  I'm thankful that I can still play my flute at all, and that I can still sing.  I'm thankful that maplestar is a musician, and that I can hear him play piano and organ and harpsichord.  I'm thankful that I know now the illness I'm facing, even if there's not a cure for it.  I'm thankful - in a strange sort of way - that I know a few family members who have it also, because when the pain strikes - and especially when others doubt me, because the syndrome is completely invisible - they still know and understand and believe in me.

Next week, my car is being repaired, maplestar is participating in a sacred music conference, and I'm traveling to another state for my job.  When I return, I'll take a taxi to the car dealer, pick up my car, drive back past the airport to pick up the kids at their cousins' house, drive to the conference to pick up maplestar, and then come home... probably exhausted and craving comfort and quiet, but needing instead to feed them all, love on the pets, get the laundry going, catch up on mail and voice mail and email, and lots of other fiddly little details.  Ah well - that is for next week.  For now, all I need is to try to sleep, perchance to heal.

Good night, my beloved friends.  May God the Father watch over you this night.  May Jesus, the Son, hold the Light in the darkness, for when you feel afraid or alone.  May God the Holy Spirit breathe life and strength and comfort into you.  And may the angels of heaven stand 'round you and protect you, until you wake in the morning.

Pain hovers over me like a cloud
a grey cloud,  black thunderhead
lurking ominously
darkening my thoughts
will it strike?  will it storm?
will it attack me with agony?
whence does it come?
can I outrun it?
or am I helpless
in its thrall?

Pain strikes like a lightning bolt
searing, white hot
flashing through body and mind
branching out from my spine
across my shoulders, through my arms
around my hips, down my legs
turning hands into claws
digging toes into the ground beneath me.

Pain rolls like a thunderclap
startling, angry, loud
stopping my ears with its sound
tensing muscles from gastrocnemius
all the way up to supraspinatus
I want to curl up in a ball
suck my thumb while momma tucks me in
but pain grips me in its talons
piercing, poking, stabbing, slicing
and I find I'm unable to move.

Pain washes over like a sheet of rain
each fat drop pelting, pounding
seeking out spots that do not yet throb
soaking my clothes, my skin, my brain
dampening my thoughts
clouding my feelings
turning the world around me
into a thick grey fog.

The storm rolls along
leaving me on the ground
curled on my side
alone, gasping for breath
dripping, exhausted, trembling.
The storm rolls past
striking others with lightning
rumbling their bones with thunder
soaking everyone in its path
but the pain lingers
stubbornly set in my body
twitching, throbbing, tearing
spasming, striking, stabbing
surrounding me in grey cloud fog
isolated, helpless
hopeless
alone.

I went for the hideously early option and spent a pleasant half hour sitting outside with a caramel latte before walking up to the hospital.

Usually my appointments at that hospital are in the orthopaedic outpatients department, which isn't a part of the hospital that I ever visited as a child. My orthopaedic guy was based at a different hospital. However, I spent a lot of time in the vision and audio section of the hospital getting my sight and hearing checked and visiting the ENT guy. It turns out that the cardiology investigations department is right next to that part so I walked through some very familiar corridors and waiting rooms.

Oddly, I find that part of the hospital comforting and familiar. I find most hospitals quite intimidating and nerve-inducing, I suspect because they're usually associated with discomfort and bad things. Even the A and E department, familiar as it is, hasn't got the best associations because I was always there with some injury or other. But up in that part of the hospital, with the big windows, sunlit waiting room and calm bustle, it was comforting and I felt quite happy.

The actual scan wasn't fun, but the news is good. My tiny murmur is nothing. There are no defects, it's beating strongly and the valves are all clean and normal. Phew!

The technician knew about EDS, knew why there was a risk and was very comforting. She said that she would have told me immediately if there was anything there. I'm a happy girl now. Most importantly, there is no reason for me not to fly or move to Canada. There had been a tiny, illogical part of me that was afraid they'd find something and stop me going. Knowing that everything is fine is a huge weight off. Yay!

I celebrated by nipping into HMV on my way back to the car. Dirty Dancing was on sale on DVD and having discovered to my horror that I don't have it when I was packing (it's my favourite movie and I didn't upgrade from video for some reason) I couldn't resist. Heh. Now I'm working from home for the rest of the day and I'm feeling quite content.

Except my remote server for work has just gone down. Gah!

NHIC Corp. will process Medicare payment claims from health care providers in four Northwestern states under a $148 million contract from the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services.

The contract, which has a one-year base period and four one-year options, will serve about 54,000 physicians and health care practitioners and 233 hospitals in Alaska, Idaho, Oregon and Washington state.

NHIC, a subsidiary of EDS Corp., will provide a variety of administrative functions for hospitals, skilled nursing facilities and physicians in those states and will be the providers’ first point of contact for processing and payment of Medicare Parts A and B fee-for-service claims.

The company will also handle appeals, audits and reimbursements, provider enrollment, educational outreach, print and mail services, financial and accounting services, contact-center support, electronic data exchange, mailroom operations, and medical and utilization reviews.

The contract will help CMS meet the requirements of the Medicare Modernization Act of 2003, which requires the agency to transition Medicare fee-for-service claims from fiscal intermediaries and carriers to Medicare administrative contractors, NHIC said in a statement.

NHIC is one of the largest Medicare Part B contractors in the country, serving more than 150,000 health care providers in California, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Vermont.

EDS, of Plano, Texas, ranks No. 10 on Washington Technology’s 2008 Top 100 list of the largest federal government prime contractors.

As many of you may know Dr. Diana Driscoll is on medical disability due to the autonomic nervous system complications from Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and has not seen patients in the office since August of 2004. In the course of her research trying to find what was making her ill she accumulated considerable knowledge in Ehlers-Danlos and the complications associated with it. Dr. Driscoll has been asked to share her knowledge at the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation Meeting in Houston July 31st - Aug 2.

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is a connective tissue disorder that affects multiple systems and organs. EDS, as it is called by patients that have it, has numerous different types. The most common types of EDS are classical and hypermobile. Another, rarer type called the vascular form, is the most dangerous because it involves weakening of the blood vessels which may rupture (an aneurysm), which is often fatal.

The most common symptoms of EDS are hyper-flexible joints (people sometimes refer to this as "being double Jointed") that are flexible beyond the normal range of movement, skin that is very stretchy, soft, bruises easily and is sometimes fragile (tears easily). EDS patients often complain of joint pain that may be mistaken for arthritis, yet the x-rays are not consistent with arthritis.

The most debilitating complication of EDS is a type of dysautonomia called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome or POTS. Dysautonomia is the result of our autonomic nervous system ceasing to function properly. Our autonomic nervous system regulates functions that our body does automatically such as digestion, breathing, heart rate, blood pressure etc. It is estimated that 40 to 70% of EDS patients suffer from POTS. Many patients with POTS don't know that they have EDS and are often mis-diagnosed with fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. It is thought that autonomic dysfunction is caused by instability of the cervical spine thus interfering with the brain stem.

The medical literature reports that the incidence of EDS is approximately 1 in 10-14,000, however doctors report seeing it clinically more frequently. It is hypothesized that once doctors are made more aware of how to diagnose EDS that the reported incidence will be more like 1 in 3-5000 people.

Once doctors become more aware of how to identify patients with EDS I believe that the incidence reported in the general public will rise markedly. I have personally identified numerous patients in our practice that have EDS and concur with the incidence of 1 in 3-5000. I, in fact, would not be surprised if it was indeed more common than 1 in 3000.

Registration for the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation 2008 Meeting is available at the EDNF website.

UPDATE: Visit the post EDNF conference entry for the lecture notes and a handout for eye doctors.

The next speaker was Samuel Chun who is the Director of Cyber Security Practice of the EDS Government Solutions.  Mr. Chun was, in my opinion, one of the best speakers at the conference.  His speech had information that was interesting to me, and he didn't put the crowd to sleep.  He talked a little bit about EDS as a company.  EDS, in his words, is truly a global company.  They do work with governments in all the habitable continents in the world.  This is pretty cool and very different than a lot of government defense contractors here in the U.S. that only do work with domestic clients.

Mr. Chun detailed the top five security challenges that EDS has been seeing as of late in global government.  Before talking about the security challenges, he cleared up a few things, including definitions.  There are many definitions for the term cyberspace.  The one that was used for this presentation is "A domain characterized by the use of electronics and the electromagnetic spectrum to store, modify and exchange data via networked systems and associated physical infrastructures."  He also spoke of the fact that the increase of globalization will lead to new threats and opportunities to public and private sectors in cyberspace.

The first challenge is Perimeter Diffusion.  In the past few years, we have seen an explosion of remote users and devices tapping into networks from outside the physical network.  Devices like VPN'ed laptops, Blackberries, iPhones, Smartphones and other such technologies are constantly expanding the footprints of organizations.  Mobile electronic devices require an additional span of control, especially since high-speed wireless broadband access is now widespread.  The existing definitions of network perimeters have become useless and obsolete, and companies are having a difficult time catching up.  Unfortunately, there also seems to be a lowered expectation that physical and virtual security in these expanding networks to be secure.  The bottom line is that the more a company expands its network, the more opportunity there is for attack and exploit.  Obviously encryption is incredibly important in this section.  New encryption techniques are hardware and software based, and innovative hybrid techniques combine the two.  Elliptical Curve Cryptography for asymmetric key exchanges will become the standard in the coming years due to the reliability and superiority of this new kind of crypto.

The second security trend is that of Cross Domain Collaboration.  The internet has made many jobs easier, including collaboration over long distances.  Even though it may seem as though working with coalitions and allies is a long-established tool, there seems to be an ever increasing trend to exploit the same tool with the internet in parallel.  Currently, the sharing of information between two different entities is difficult, even with advances in interoperability and related technologies.  What scares a great deal of companies is that information may be passed into the wrong hands.  This fear prohibits true, streamlined synergy and reduces confidence in using technology that can be used for good.  Many EDS clients have an incredible need for flexible, peer to peer organizations and groups.  This need can even allow competitors to turn into temporary allies.  Although competitors turned allies seems like an uncomfortable propositions, it allows customers for trusted, cross-domain information exchange.

Thirdly, Mr. Chun highlighted the challenge of Assurance of Identity.  The need for better identity management by governments mitigates issues in the following sectors: terrorism, coalitions and federations, immigration and lastly, fraud and abuse.  In the civilian and corporate worlds, programs are in place that focus on design and issuance.  In a smaller circle of organizations and corporations, they are taking these programs one step further to set up logical access and federation.  Instead of IT staff having to set up a new user account when a new contractor comes on the job site, the worker can present a card which details key information.  Permissions can be automatically set based on your relationship with organizations, companies and people.  This cross-domain capability and flexibility is being looked at closely by tech vendors to key in on identity and access management.  Mr. Chun summarizes this section by saying that the "assurance of identity (authentication, authorization and non-repudiation) is a fundamental [and lasting] requirement for cybersecurity."  A program called Federal Identity Management (FIM) has the potential to be a major enabling technology for domestic and global collaborations.  Most major tech security vendor companies are working on FIM solutions.  Essentially, a federal identity can be used across multiple autonomous domains.  Entitlements and access are based on identity attributes rather than intra-domain roles.  This approach allows for the accommodation of orthogonal roles.  Another great thing about this system is that it allows for multiple formats of authentication like Kerberos, X.509 and AD to be used interchangeably.  A technology called SAML (versions 1.0 and 2.0) is becoming de facto standard for cross-domain authentication and access.  Big companies like Microsoft have built in SAML into some of their products, but no current product has taken complete advantage of the flexible technology.

In looking at the fourth security trend of Perimeter Security vs. Core Security, we refer back to the first cyber security challenge in this presentation.  Since we are seeing a trend of the ballooning of networks due to mobile devices, it is only natural to question our age-old practices of network defense.  Instead of having a strong network perimeter by having the latest in firewall technology and packet scanning technology, you can take actions within the network to minimize risk.  We can do this by placing emphasis on "inappropriate propagation and derivation, differentiating between admission and access, securing applications and services in addition to infrastructure."  Drawing inferences between the parallel between what Mr. Chun is saying and what Mr Gibbons said in first presentation is easy.  They each stress individual application security and other core security capabilities rather than firewalls. Tools for strengthening app security are easy to find and implement.  Black Box testing is now the standard for testing software.  The White Box Testing of yesteryear is still mandatory, but now involves manual code reviews and embedding applications security code.

The final problem is Consolidation.  In government IT (as well as corporate), members of the industry see a thirst for the consolidation of networks.  The consolidation saves all kinds of things- money, the environment, computing resources (among other things) and is has easy to demonstrate citizen value.  Like I reported above, the less connections that you have, the less things you have to secure.  (To see the Trusted Internet Connection government initiative, check out part six of this series.)  Virtualization is the most effective and frequently used technical approach to consolidation.  A major problem with virtualization is that when you consolidate servers (hardware and software), you are also consolidating identities.  Even this has cybersecurity implications.  We must balance the consolidation of servers and identity with availability and resiliency.  This is especially true when keeping critical infrastructure apart from non-critical infrastructure.  Another weird thing about individualization is that you must have the governance processes as the technology itself is extremely expensive, but it is very easy to implement.

Please give your comments on this fantiastic prensentation.  I hope it was as interesting to read the summary as it was for me to actually view the presentation.

Saturday, 21st June 2008, was an extremely cool night. I was standing there in front of the stage in my company's appreciation night and I gave what I would personally classify as one of my best speeches ever. The crowd rallied, my spirits were up and we had a great after party that followed. It was a speech for my people. The people who had worked so hard for me and who I truly honestly think is the most amazing team I've worked with in a good while. The party, was my way of ensuring that these guys were celebrated.

Life on top

Life on top is not all that breezy. Social relationships and constructs of the employer-employee relationships guarantee that things will change no matter how you separate the work life barrier. People listen to me when they don't have to because I'm their boss. That freaks me out. I've framed my life around the fact that the man and the actions or ideas is separate. Hence, outside of work, I'm an ordinary person, not a boss. It's a concept that not many people can grasp.

But more importantly, when I was sitting by the pool that night during the after party, I looked at the people who were around me. They were all my people. My friends. My staff. They were all imperfect. Heck, I was imperfect. Yet, in my drunken haziness, an epiphany struck me. These were the people, who, no matter how imperfect they were, were perfect as an organizational unit.

The people in the organization I work with are nothing short of impressive. I don't say it enough, but I truly believe it. I paid a visit to another site office the other day and there were some people talking about the service they were getting from my unit. Sure, it was a small service, but they were saying how professional the people were and were raving about it. I listened, smiled to myself, and got off in the next floor. I never saw them again.

Many Malaysian companies fail to realise that the average Malaysian organization has an advantage that most European and American organizations never have - sheer diversity. It's an advantage that Malaysians tend to forget simply because we've been conditioned to differentiating ourselves and not exploiting the diversity in every aspect of our working life. In reality, the more "campur" (mixed) an organization is, the better it's chances of surviving in the real world. I really like my team because I see this diversity in the organizational unit and it's something that I treasure greatly.  But I digress...

The Last Hurrah

Monday, 30th June 2008, will be my last day with Shell IT International. I fondly remember the first day I joined the group. On that day in December 2005, I had signed up for a job which I had no clue about - a Helpdesk Analyst. I had been working in Malacca for two years and missed the hustle and bustle of Kuala Lumpur. Fast forward to 2008, I currently lead a team with 91 people. It's an organization that has thought me a lot and an organization that I will forever cherish as the place where I truly grew up. So there is a little bit of sadness due to nostalgia in me as I leave this place.

Yet, behind the glassy eyes and the fear at the back of my head, is the excitement of heading to new and unknown territories. I will be joining the Electronic Data Systems Corporation or more popularly known around the world as EDS. Change is always a difficult thing for people. It's difficult because, you never know what you're going to get.

But unlike my other big changes in life, this time I have a leverage that I never had before. I have people working for me which I must commit to taking care off. Skilled knowledge workers that are the heartbeat of my organization and that play an extremely important part in my life right now. I have decided that my leadership team will continue to invest in the people that work for me. And it's an investment that I believe will have big payoffs in time to come. These returns will only be possible if an organization unit makes a concise effort to attract, train and preserve a culture that rewards people for their commitment. My dream is to make an organizational unit where everybody challenges everybody to constantly improve themselves. For me personally, this means making sure I put in the time to make my extended leadership team members better than me. Only then will I have to continuously push the bar higher for myself and reach for the stars.

Which brings me back to the topic at hand. The journey over the next few months is going to be an interesting one. It's a journey where I will have to deal with the challenges of change and the excitement of new opportunities. I am scared, excited, worried, happy, nervous and exilarated all at the same time. And I know that this only means that I will have to prepare myself for tougher challenges up ahead - which is really cool, because it means that there are plenty of opportunities to learn and provide new learning opportunities.

The 4 Minute Mile

Somebody asked me the other day if I was a mad person for leaving the Oil and Gas industry. After all, with oil prices at USD$143 per barrel, I would be leaving a cushy lifestyle for an extremely competitive environment.

I told that person, that I had this exact same discussion with another individual when I left academia for Shell. I've come to realise that the only way you're going to shine is if you continuously push yourself to do the impossible. What many fail to realise is that if you have the support of your people, even the most impossible tasks, become achievable. For example, when Roger Bannister was the first person to run 1 mile in under 4 minutes in 1954, he had the help of two of his friends Chris Brasher and Chris Chataway, both who acted as pacemakers for Bannister. Mind you, at that point in time, everybody said it was impossible to do a four minute mile. 

Unlike my previous leap from academia to the oil and gas industry, this time, I will have the force of a whole team to back me up in the pursuit of greatness. The reality is that I won't have all the answers and I don't know all the questions that I will have to face over the next few months. But my imperfections disappear because I have a perfect team. The sum of my team's imperfection is an elegant perfection. Elegant perfection.

And although Malaysians continue to doubt ourselves and our abilities to deliver world class services, I'm convinced that I will be able to do it with my team. We'll kick ass and show the world that Malaysia Boleh, is not a term that is used for stupid records but also a term that is used when we truly put in effort to become the best.  And greatness I will achieve with them.

Onward to EDS!

Hence I am hiding from the Internet.

Instead I am writing and trying to pretend that I'm not really impatient.

I may have also watched Parting of the Ways from season 1 in preperation for the DW season finale. I have Army of Ghosts/Doomsday downloaded to watch in the week, too.

This morning I did not go shooting because my neck and shoulder were playing up. This turned out to be a wise decision because I partially dislocated my shoulder during my shower. The same shoulder that is playing up. Yuck. So it's now rather stiff and sore. I did go out for a long walk, which isn't that great a plan post-partial dislocation and ended up calling Da to fetch me when it started raining on me half a mile from the end of the walk. I've spent most of the afternoon writing with breaks for watching TV and reading, which is fun.

I'm not impatient, really, but where is everyone? I want to watch Doctor Who!

While I was there, various club members worked on me about trying to make it to the Chairman's Shoot last night. This is a competition within the club designed to give the novices some experience at competition shooting rules without the stress of a real tournament. I was promised that we would be shooting a Warwick (four dozen arrows) so it wouldn't be a late night and I said that I'd try.

So yesterday I bought a sandwich in work coffee shop, high-tailed it out of the office as early as possible and stopped along the way to eat my sandwich to tide me over until supper. After all, it was only going to be a Warwick. I'd certainly be home before 9pm.

Hmmm.

It was a National (6 dozen arrows) with lots of novices. Hence lots of lost arrows and scoring problems. Don't get me wrong, it really was fun and I'm proud of my score on a Short National. But it was loooong. I finally trundled home at 10pm. The last two ends were shot in lighting conditions best described as poor. I had to eat something when I got home so I had some beans on toast (light, yet slightly filling) but on reflection it was a bad idea to eat and to stay up to let it settle.

This morning, my IBS was playing up so much that I had to take my anti-spasmodics to get out of the door. Bleh. Feeling much better now that the medication has kicked in, but incredibly tired. And I have a packed weekend ahead.

The good thing is that I'm going out for lunch with some girls from work so there was no need to construct lunch before I left. I'd never have made it otherwise. I have a plan to fall into bed the moment I get home tonight.

Next time, I need to remember that nothing is ever 'quick' in archery so I really shouldn't attempt to do any kind of post-work competition!

To hold you over until I update the blog, here is the list of topics, speakers and their respective titles:

1. Keynote: Cyber Security: Using a Historical Perspective to Provide Insight on Current Threats
   • J. Michael Gibbons, Principal, Security & Privacy Services, Deloitte, and former Chief of Computer Crime Investigations, FBI
2. Sifting Through Credentials: How to Identify, Develop and Retain IT Security Candidates and Contractors
   • George Datesman, Ph.D., Senior Manager, Noblis
   • Rich Kellet, ISSM / IT Security Officer, USA.gov Technologies, Office of Citizen Services and Communications, GSA
3. “No Man Is an Island…” A Global Government View of the Top 5 Cyber Security Trends
   • Samuel Chun, CISSP, Director, Cyber Security Practice, EDS US Government Solutions
4. A Proactive Approach: A Road Map to Cyber Security
   • Rick Mellendick, Senior Architect, Cyber Operations Lead, Bearing Point
5. Five Security Issues Likely to Emerge in 2008
   • Phil Myers, Director, Enterprise Security Group, Deloitte
6. All Roads Lead to Rome: How Cyber Terrorists are Exploiting Key Gaps
   • Tom Kellermann, VP of Security Awareness, Core Security
7. Trusted Internet Connections and IT Security
   • Michael Smith, Program Manager, ISS LOB, Dept. of Homeland Security, National Cyber Security Division
8. Preparing for Risks Today and Tomorrow
   • James Bennison, Senior Information Assurance Architect, Northrop Grumman Information Technology

Pusdienlaikā nākot no "Galerija Centrs" Rimi un dodoties cauri Līvu laukumam netālu no tā baseina, kurš izskatās tā, it kā būtu iztukšots tikai vakar (tas, kurā nekad nav ūdens) ganījās baložu bars. Gāju garām un laikam sabaidīju - visi pacēlās gaisā un dūdodami devās prom. Pie baseina stāvēja kaut kādi tūristi kas viņus baroja - onkulīši un tāds jaunāks meitietis, kurus baloži, protams, iztrūcināti no ēšanas arī nošmucēja no galvas līdz kājām. Nu tik traki arī nebija - kādi 3-4 kakuči jau tikai trāpīja, bet iekšā tāds prieciņš uzreiz.

"Yes, I am!"

P.S. Zvanīja vietējie knab'isti - laikam tomēr nemāku lietot EDS. Šaise - lietotāja pamācība ir tikai 22 sējumi.