So we called in the big guns - the Roto-Rooter guys - and boy they ain't kiddin'. They showed up the day we called, looked over the job and, as it was bigger than expected, they's acomin' back tomorrow baby to do the job!!! Slam, bang, thank-you ma'am!!! Can't ask for much faster service than that?

Naturally he's returning on Nat's golf day - so if there's a problem, it should get kind of interesting. Not knowing anything about plumbing, Nat tried to explain what this guy's going to do, but we all know my eyes glazed over, I started to envision chocolates dancin' in my head and I'm thinking of what to fix for supper - but I soon nod my head, get a little grasp of the situation and respond with "yep, okay, gottcha!!"  As it turns out this guy seems a little hyper, so I'm thinkin' the job may not take him that long.  If he works as fast as he talks, we should be good to go within an hour or two, despite the fact that he's thinkin' maybe a 3 hour job!!

So as I'm told he has to dig down a bit to expose the exterior pipe leading out of the basement (which by the way is already half exposed due to a bad install in the first place), which involves chipping away a portion of the surrounding concrete, remove the crimped section, replace it with the proper new pipe fitting along with another smaller section for the interior, surround that with some sort of expanding and contracting foam goo, before it all gets wrapped up again in concrete. I've also been advised that they're going to put a coupling on the interior pipe that leads into the actual sump pump basin which has never looked right and, in fact, isn't apparently!! What we thought was some old rag hanging out of that pipe to catch the drips, turns out to be some sort of "sock" that is, in fact, suppose to be there! The interior pipe just isn't fully connected to something else in behind???  Now if anyone repeats this half-ass explanation to Nat I'll deny any and all knowledge of the whole thing!!!! Despite the fact that he's explained this whole thing to me several times already - once when the whole thing began, once or twice inbetween calling "guys", once again this morning and a final run-through during supper, my memory just doesn't retain things that are that exciting!! However, I must admit, that the above explanation sounds pretty damn good - at least I know what a "coupling" is!!!! Yes, I've learned something from watching Mike Holmes!!

So we'll wait and see what happens, hope like hell this is the last of it and we can then get on with topping up the perimeter of the house with mega tons of soil so all that bloody rain will drip and drain away from this place. I'm ever so tempted to start up a plumbing business. With the luck we've had, the calls we've made, the "We're all booked up" responses received, along with "We don't do quotes!"  I'm certain there's a plumbing conspiracy and I want in on it. There's money to be had in pipes, baby!!!

Ino! YAY!! i wove her!! she's awesome!! she colors my world!! thats y i put all the color at the side of the card!! she says lol alot so, she has an lol! ino was not a member for a little while!! i met ino by dawn!! thx D!! i rlly dont got to say much. i always get crzy and hyper when she gets online...shes sooooo cool!! luv ya ino! ;) pce out!!

just hated today!

well morning i woke up late...(started the day late)
then went school and karthik also woke up late...so had to wait till arnd 7 for him to come! nearly slept on the table outside the class
*yawn*

school started in the hall...
a skit by act 3
boring

well then there goes mr row saying that our class photos have arrived...
and shaiha was laughing at the way he pronounced envelope...
-_-
mr row sounded like "ON"VERLOPE!
aiyoh
well i also laughed la!
*haha*
then the first lesson...maths...well got a 35/100...DAMN!!!
but its because i never put in my full potential and skipped alot of questions...haiz
chem came...ms ng came...1hr20mins was a bore...nearly slept...haiz...
then alas! PE!
wth sia...pe also so boring!
damn!
with ppl playing volleyball...we musbees decided to go to the gym...
had a nice leg workout there
muahahahahah
only i could carry the 400 pounds weight!!!
no one else...
once again i proved that i'm strong!!!
alas! recess!!!!!!
wth sia...afiq took my wallet and went up class..damn...but then lucky he came on time:D
next eng...there goes bharathan scolding parthiban's and my father!
we made him WHISTLE!
waahahahahaahaa
DNT ATLAST!!!!!
waited for this time
went on to cut my acrylic...and broke the scroll saw blade 4times!!!!!!!
damn!!!!

well then it was time to go for srp
physics...DAMN BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
then between the break...i and ahmad had a towel fight...lol...he chased me to whack me...ran the whole fourth floor...power eh raveen?
lol i was sprinting the whole way...ahmad could not catch up!
he stopped at the library...but i continued!whahahaha
ran all the way to the back door and said hi to ms ng:D
haha
okay thats it for today
and somewhat...i feel so hyper HAPPY today when i'm at home...dunno why:D
hahah

chaoz!
takecare:D

02:30am
I've just *woken up* from my pretend sleep. My mother has developed a habit of waking up at 1am ish and making sure I'm asleep. Tonight, I wasn't and so I got a tad berated. Anyways, the result was that I had to spend about an hour pretending to be asleep. I tried sleeping, don't get me wrong. It's just that it's not happening. My mood from earlier has completely changed. Total opposite. Going to try sleeping again.

03:00am
I'm going downstairs. I can't look at my walls anymore. The glow-in-the-dark stars are twinkling. I'm fairly certain they shouldn't do that. Good, all settled now, watching TV and researching anything I can find. Joys of the internet.

05:00am
I'm severely bored. I'm going out. I might see if I can catch Matt and take him to work. It's pissing it down out there.

08:00am
Back from going out. I took Matt to work, got some petrol from Tescos, went into town to see what it looked like at 6am.

It looks like this. Rainy, grey and completely empty. Then I went to the beach to see what that looked like a 6:15am. It was low tide so there was sand. Yes, Eastbourne has sand sometimes. I even got proof for non-believers. It's wet sand of course.

Then I went back to Tescos in search of breakfast. It was shut. By this point I was freezing cold and soaking wet, so I thought a shower would be nice. I was right. Now it's time for breakfast yaaaay.
Oh and I have a new favourite website.

So you are dating someone who does not wear makeup on a daily basis, then on a dinner date, she does; to which you respond with, "you look so beautiful tonight."

Look, I understand giving exceptional compliments on a night where a woman is really going to care how she looks, but didn't you just say you look more beautiful in this artificial state than you do naturally... ? It's true that I tend to throw all non-logical arguments against issues such as this one out the window, but I am really trying to draw out the harmful effects of this consistent enforcement of the idea that we must be improved by products somehow, or that there is a standard all men and women seek and if you do not meet it, you are inferior in the eyes of the other sex, or in the case of gay and lesbian people, inferior in the eyes of the same.

You know what? Nevermind.

I'll never come out ahead in an argument that challenges innocent behaviours on the parts of people who don't really understand what they're doing or saying as they further the cause of... of fucking 'taker' nonsense really. Our global phalocentric-hyper-sexualized culture makes me suicidal and I guess that's a personal problem.

fuckers.

I hate this agitated state I'm in. It's so much worse than the low, dull depression that has been my predominant mood over the past few weeks. My concentration is next-to-none and I'm so wound up. I can't stay still and my mind is on overdrive. I'm really finding it difficult to be coherent. The few sentences I've strung together have taken me ages. I have to read them over and over again to check they do actually make sense.

It's hard to explain how it feels right now. It's something I've experienced before, but you forget what it's like until you find yourself there again. The self-awareness that you are not yourself, but the inability to do anything about it, the inability to slow down your thoughts and actions. My concentration is shot to pieces. I can't think about things properly. I have tried to settle down and work, but I can't even distract myself with it - it just seems to fuel my mood. I find myself jumping between my tasks, but doing none of them efficiently. I find myself reading things a million miles an hour but making no sense of them. I know I'm incapable of completing anything useful at this point. I'm trying to slow down, but struggling to put a hold of myself.

I know that part of this is returning anxiety. I am seeing my doctor again today. I called up for an appointment yesterday, but had to resort to calling at 8am this morning for a book-on-day. I'm seeing her at 3.30pm and I'm wound up about it. I am scared of telling her the truth. Scared of telling her about this agitated mood. Scared of telling her about the suicidal thoughts that were dominating my mind over the past week. Scared of the knowledge that suicide is still floating around my mind, but now I have the agitated state that gives me the energy to act on those thoughts. I'm battling them and promising myself I won't act, at least not in the immediate sense, but I'm scared of what might be done "for my safety" if I admit these thoughts. That is a thought that runs around and around in my head and I can't seem to shake out of it.

I am full of self-loathing and fear. I am embarrassed by my mood. I worry about how I come across. I tried to explain things to A. A is the girl that has joined the comms team whilst I've been off. She is lovely, but I am jealous. It is weird being in the office, working with someone who is doing your old job. It makes me feel so self-worthless, as she is clearly capable of doing everything without me. I was getting frustrated that I couldn't just walk back in and go back to what I was doing before. I know I couldn't handle it on my own anymore. I feel like I'm on hand just to answer questions and do the boring bits. I want to do the exciting things, the interesting things, the big projects, but I know I can't and I hate it. I wonder if I should have found a new role so I didn't feel like this. I can't think straight though and thoughts about work and whether I should be there roll around in my head. I'm confused and tired by it all.

I am worried that I am back to where I was before. It feels like deja vu. I had a call with HR yesterday afternoon, and it pretty much followed a similar pattern to one I had months back. They want me to go back to the occupational health for another assessment. They are unsure if I'm fit for work. That scares me. They want to support me and find a way to make things work and they want me to go back to my GP. My HR rep is in trouble because she didn't call me before she went on holiday. Her boss called yesterday. She's worried that I've returned to work on a full-time basis rather than using a phased return. I told her I only did that as I didn't know what else to do and no one had given me any advice or support. She said I should have a think about what might work and I should see my doctor for advice. She told me not to do long hours, but I find myself unable to rein them in.

I'm still taking the pills. I have no idea if they're working or not. I have no idea if they're having an effect. Before I didn't know if it was illness, circumstance or personality that made the cocktail that is my mood, actions and feelings. Now I don't know if it is illness, circumstance, personality or medication. I worry if it is the pills that have flipped me into this state. I worry that they're just not working on me in the way they should. Over two weeks in and the black thoughts are as strong as ever, but are mixed now with this agitated, hyper, frustrated ball of energy, that is my new mood. It's even worse than before.

This entry as disjointed as my head. I've tried to pull it together and have wrote and rewrote it a million times, but I just can't get my thoughts down and put them in order. My mind is like spaghetti junction, but without the road signs to guide you. Or maybe a jigsaw with no picture. Just lots of little pieces all spread across the floor, that don't fit together or make any coherent whole.

I go to my doctor in 4 hours. I'm scared and don't know what to say.

So far, It's been a strange day. I have been up and down and feel unsure of my mood. This morning I was exhausted and low. This afternoon I feel quite hyper, yet it's not a happy high. My mood is fractured and agitated. I am talking fast and feel unable to slow down my thoughts - thoughts which are largely negative or just plain confused.

Now I have to go. HR's orders are that I leave the office at half five. I've not had time to write today. I probably won't get to write this evening. A return to work makes blogging difficult.

Well... except for the frolicking... Yeah, that was awesome. x3

I don't even remember much of last night. xD It's like I was drunk or something. BUT I DO REMEMBER ONE THING. WE PUT THE GIANT, GOLD "SEX" BOOK IN THE "YOUNG ADULTS" SECTION. ON THE VERY TOP SELF FOR ALL THE LITTLE KIDDIES TO SEE. BWAHAHAHA! >:3

OH! OH! THEN THIS CASHIER PERSON AT BORDERS POINTED AT THE TWILIGHT BOOKS AND SAID "Wanna read Miley Cyrus' auto-biography?" Hahaha! xD

THEN AFTERWARDS WE WERE SINGING HANNAH MONTANA AND MARIAH CAREY REALLY LOUDLY IN THE CAR...

Well... well what do ya know? I do remember some of last night... :3 Anyway... I drank a cup of coffee and had some extremely sugary drink (that my niece gave me) that night. Sooo... I was on a complete sugar high.

It's was to block out the high-pitched (extremely annoying) squealing of Edward fangirls... >_>

But yeah... I let loose! I swear, Dante was having a dance party (in my head)! xD

My birthday was good.  I wasn't horribly depressed, which is highly unusual for birthdays.  I got a camera and jewelry and crap from my parents, further random crap from other family members and a moogle (Final Fantasy, for those who don't have a clue what I'm on about) from Matt.  So there will be no more photos taken from my phone, with its 2 mega pixels heehee.  I made my own cake though.

I've been quite down today.  I suppose it's the natural counterbalance to the dizzying highs.  I wasn't too bad this time around.  There was no music heard only by me, no voice in my head, no flashing things, no hiding from imaginary threats.  I've just been trying to keep to myself, but no one really seems to understand that.  My mother is the chief culprit.  I've asked nicely repeatedly, I've tried being abrupt and sliiightly rude and I may have to resort to yelling.  I think she's gone to bed now though, so I'll have until at least 7pm tomorrow, so I think I'll be OK.  It's occurred to me that while I've been home I've had very little in the way of urges to self-harm.  I think I might be partly because I don't have the means to do it.  My razor blades disappeared along with my supply of seroquel when I ended up in hospital.  Oddly my nice soft rope (tied with the appropriate knot) didn't disappear.  I think if I really wanted to cut I'd find a way.  I've busted up a normal shaving razor before now, just to do something.  The urges I have had have been oddly easy to quell.  I just do something else.  It's getting harder though.  I'm thinking about it more often, but at the same time I like not having fresh, highly obvious cuts all over my arms.  I've considered cutting elsewhere, but it just doesn't do it for me.  Keep flicking the elastic band round my wrist.

Once again I have found myself mediating between my housemates.  I thought this was over.  We moved out a month ago and we're still trying to sort out who owes money to whom.  One of my housemates owes me £40 still, which is a lot when you're a student.  Like a week and a half's worth of food.  I need to start saving for September so people's debts need calling in.  I can't wait to get back to Canterbury.

Just Dance,

Disturbia,

and I Kissed A Girl.

Lol, I mean if you could play the rest of the songs that are on my favelist, then that'll be great too!

http://www.playlist.com/standalone/42155030/yes

Anywayy...idk. im bored...