My lithium's been increased, for all the good it seems to be doing. I'm cycling rapidly between mania and depression during the course of each day, which is not good for my OU course, or for my novel.

Ah yes, my novel. I posted in May that it was finished. It was. Now it isn't. Now, I've done my favourite manic trick, decided it wasn't good enough and started writing it again from scratch, in the third person instead of first person. In two weeks, I've worked up 34000 words. That's impressive, even for me. It took me four weeks to hit that word count last time. But I'm on a roll, and I don't want to stop for anything, and that's where the problems start to kick in. Not sleeping makes me more manic; when I'm in a mixed episode, not sleeping makes me cycle faster. But try telling that to my manic mind when it's two am and I'm still hard at it. I'm even toying with the idea of buying an eee or an Aspire One to make the whole process faster - I type on my ipaq in the dead of night, but it's slow progress on the touch screen keyboard.

I've got a ipod docking clock radio now - took my ipod out of its silicone sleeve for the first time in months so I could dock it with the clock radio. It's a tough little thing my ipod, when you look at the huge dent it acquired when I fell on it, pissed out of my mind, in June. I hadn't seen the dent before. That really hit it home. Shit, I really mustn't try to do anything so fucking stupid again. I don't mind fucking myself up. But £160 worth of ipod - that's really not something I want to damage.

- Evidence supporting an increase in grey matter volume in patients with bipolar illness taking Lithium

- The Kindling hypothesis - (first described by Kraeplin) relating duration of illness to length/number of episodes (although this is a controversial area)

- The use of discourse structures to characterise speech during manic episodes

- Assortative mating in Bipolar Illness, evidence supporting a higher rate of marriages to partners with affective illness

- The relationship between creativity and bipolar illness which has also been explored in popular literature

- A detailed examination of the role of genetics in bipolar illness

- The relationship with sleep

This isn't a book that you read in one sitting (unless its a long sitting!) but it is one to dip in and out of, use as a reference or move through one topic at a time. Science moves forwards quickly but having a focal point around which to hang new knowledge is invaluable and this book provides an indispensable resource for those working in this area. I would highly recommend this book.

References

An Unquiet Mind - A memoir of moods and madness. Kay Redfield Jamison. Picador. 1997.

Manic-Depressive Illness. Bipolar Disorders and Recurrent Depression. Second Edition by Frederick Goodwin and Kay Redfield Jamison. Oxford University Press. 2007.

Disclaimer

The comments made here represent the opinions of the author and do not represent the profession or any body/organisation. The comments made here are not meant as a source of medical advice and those seeking medical advice are advised to consult with their own doctor.

La batterie au lithium-ion, qui se retrouve déjà dans plusieurs appareils électroniques courants, sera sous peu en mesure d'alimenter les voitures électriques rechargeables et deviendra dès lors la réponse toute indiquée aux cours élevés du carburant.

C'est ce qu'ont estimé mardi des experts réunis dans le cadre d'un congrès en Californie.

Mais même si la technologie semble fort prometteuse, les manufacturiers de la planète sont toujours confrontés à de nombreux obstacles, notamment les coûts élevés, la durée de vie des batteries et la surchauffe, selon les participants à la conférence Plug-In 2008 à San Jose, en Californie.

Tien Duong, du département de l'Energie des États-Unis, croit néanmoins que la batterie au lithium-ion est presque prête à remplacer les piles à hydrure métallique de nickel qui se trouvent actuellement dans plusieurs véhicules hybrides gazéo-électriques.

La batterie au lithium-ion pourrait être en mesure de donner aux véhicules un rayon de 64 kilomètres par charge, a quant à lui estimé Haresh Kamath, du Electric Power Research Institute.

Mais les batteries au lithium-ion requises même par une petite voiture coûteraient aujourd'hui environ 10 000 $ US, a-t-il ajouté.

Ce coût devra être abaissé de moitié avant que ces véhicules ne deviennent vraiment intéressants.

When a new treatment comes up, I am always a bit hesitant to jump on the bandwagon and start prescribing.  That is the way it was when Lamictal started to be used a number of years ago (quite a few years ago now that I think about it).  My early experiences were not positive and the risk of rash seemed so high that I rarely used it.  Over the years, as the conventional wisdom grew regarding the usefulness of Lamictal, I used it more and more as an alternative for patients who had Bipolar Disorder with significant symptoms of depression.  As my use increased, I became less concerned about the "rash" issue, even tho some of my patients developed a rash.  I even had two patients who developed Stevens-Johnson Syndrome and required a brief course of steroids to recover (which both did without any dermatologic disfigurement).  It's usefulness clearly out-weighed the potential liabilities.  I now recommend it as a first line agent for all of my patients with significant symptoms of Bipolar Depression.

But here is where we go out on that limb . . . if it is good for Bipolar Depression, is it equally good for Unipolar Depression?  And if it is, when should it be used instead of a standard antidepressant?  There are three distinct opportunities for a medicines to be used.  It can be used as initial therapy, as a "last resort" when some one has failed multiple other trials, or as an "add on" to other therapies that have had limited or no benefit. Typically, when a new medicine is tried (or an old medicine is tried anew), it is used when other medications have failed.  Seems to me that that is a huge handicap.  Clearly, people who have failed standard treatment have more difficult pathology than those who have responded nicely to their first whiff of Prozac.  Yet, people do respond to these treatments, and that then sets the stage for trials as a first line agent or as adjunctive treatment.

So, where does Lamictal fit in at this point?  Out here in the trenches, we need to go on conventional wisdom and our own clinical experience.  The data for Lamictal is often contradictory and difficult to interpret.  There was not enough solid data for the medicine to be pushed through the FDA approval process and, since it is now generic, it never will be.  There is some data showing that it can be helpful as a first line agent, especially in patients who have more mild forms of depression.  It is rarely used for this, however, unless the patient's history gives hints of a possible underlying Bipolar Disorder, or if there is a strong family history of Bipolar Disorder (remember, almost all Bipolar patients experience depression first and then have a later manic episode).  When reviewing the potential side effects (especially the risk of rash and Stevens-Johnson Syndrome), it is a rare patient who would pick Lamictal over a standard SSRI.  From a medical-legal perspective, can you imagine the fun a prosecuting attorney would have with a shrink who pushed use of an "off-label" medicine with a potentially deadly side effect over the standard FDA-approved medicine with no risk of deadly side effects?  I shudder to think!  If the doc is pushing for use of Lamictal in this situation, he or she better be able to explain why very clearly to you.  

The second situation would be using it as an adjunctive treatment for other agents.  My own algorithm for treating resistant unipolar depression does include using Lamictal, but only after I have tried combinations such as SSRI and Wellbutrin, or Cymbalta and Wellbutrin.  The exception here would be someone who is getting some improvement with a standard antidepressant, but has some moodiness that might lend itself to improvement with a little mood stabilization.  Even then, I often turn to Lithium to boost the effectiveness of the antidepressant.  At low doses, there is minimal side effects for most people and there is limited risk.  Blood work does not need to be done as rigorously when low doses are used.

As always, the patient must be warned about the risk of significant skin rashes and the medicine must be titrated very slowly.  Compliance is key because a period of significant non-compliance (and I count anything longer than two or three days significant) would necessitate starting back at the beginning and titrating back up again

--Dan Hartman, MD

 Jiang Jiemin, CNPC general manager, said the production rise of the country's third largest oil field, guaranteed energy supply to areas including Beijing.
Daqing, the country's leading oilfield, also said on Thursday it would further increase production to ease domestic shortage. It aimed to produce around 40 million tonnes of crude annually in the next decade.
 Soaring global crude prices have put the country under great pressure. The situation could get worse if China continued largely relying on imported energy, Wang Yupu, general manager of Daqing oilfield said.

Wang Puyu est né en octobre 1956 dans le district de Xinmin, province du Liaoning. Il a commencé sa carrière en janvier 1982 après avoir terminé ses études à l’Institut du pétrole de Daqing. Il a adhéré au Parti en mars 1985. Il a terminé des études de doctorat en exploitation de champ pétrolifère en juillet 2003 à l’Université du pétrole. Maintenant, il est président du conseil de direction, directeur général et ingénieur supérieur de la Daqing Oil Field Company Ltd.

The Daqing Oilfield, situated between Harbin and Qiqihar in Heilongjiang Province, was made a national model in 1964 when Mao Zedong issued the call "In industry, learn from Daqing"，工业学大庆. Daqing was the first major oilfield opened up in China. To prove that China could do without the support of Soviet technicians and assistance, and to counter (mostly American) claims that the country would never be self-sufficient in oil, major exploration activities were started in the Daqing area in early 1960.

By May of that year, over 40,000 workers and staff from more than thirty factories and mining institutes had started the 'massive battle' of opening up Daqing, using 70,000 tons of equipment.

One of the exemplary explorers involved was Wang Jinxi, who earned the nickname 'Iron Man' for braving fatigue, injuries and difficulties. By the end of 1963, Daqing was operating at full speed. In the following years, it became the model that all industrial departments had to emulate.

Daqing has more than paid back the original investments made. Exploiting the more than 2 bn. tons of underground oil reserves, it has been the major oil production facility in China. By the end of the 1990s, the country is faced with the exhaustion of those reserves, and is forced to look for other prospects.

The example set by Daqing remains relevant today. After the 4 June incident in 1989, the slogan to learn from Daqing was revived once more. This time, however, all people were called upon to learn from the spirit of Daqing.

Sources:
Taching—Red Banner in China's Industrial Front (Peking: Foreign Languages Press 1972)
Jiang Shanhao, Impressions of Taching Oilfield (Peking: Foreign Languages Press 1978)

One of the things T said to me the other day was that it sounds to him like I'm not Bipolar II but actually Bipolar I - and Doc had mentioned something about this when I asked her for the reevaluation.  I kind of shrugged it off at the time because it didn't seem terribly pertinent.  Boy was I ever wrong!  I'm trying to recall exactly what she said now - something about when I was first diagnosed they were leaning towards I but then decided it was more in line with II - I don't remember exactly.  Anyway, T thinks I should be getting that second opinion from a non-biased psychiatrist, and soon.  (Must remember to talk to Rob about that.)  At this point I don't know what the hell I am other than majorly confused about the whole issue.  I'm obviously Bipolar, that's a big DUH, but which flavor, who the hell knows?

So back to the meds - I started researching Abilify, the first drug in my cocktail and lo and behold the first thing it says is that it's used for the treatment of Bipolar I Disorder.  WTF?!?  It also looks, to my untrained medical eye, like it does a lot of the same shit that lithium does, which I also happen to take.  I haven't gone looking at the Topomax yet because I know I'm not taking it for one of the "normal" reasons, at least that's what I've been told.  I need to take a fucking notepad with me on Tuesday when I go to see Doc and make her tell me exactly what I'm taking each med for and how soon I'll be able to stop taking them.  My goal - which I just decided on this very instant - is to be drug free by my anniversary next year.  If I can't get Doc to agree to trying it, I may just have to see if I can find a doctor who will, but I'd really like to stick with her - she's been very good to me.

But yes, drug free by 7-18-09, doesn't that just sound wonderful?

the-myth-of-underdevelopment2

Went to the beloved shrink and had a nice chat. We didn't talk about my mother, he pointed it out and laughed. She has a session devoted to talking about her in 4 weeks. I have too many issues when it comes to her, I don't blame her for me being ill (unless we're arguing and I blame her genes) we just don't mesh well. Such is life.

I've got a brand new cocktail to try this time round. It's kinda scary how excited I am about new drug combinations. I guess deep down I hope they are 'the thing' that gets me right and I'll never have to worry about wigging out ever again. I've been mildly depressed the past few months with a manic episode thrown in for good measure. The mania wasn't that bad I just wanted sex like crazy and didn't get it which just made me plain irritable.

Things came to a head this weekend when my Other Half flaked out on me twice. I find comfort and peace in my routines and when he throws them out of whack it really hurts and messes me up for a few days. I need to make it clear to him that he can't do this to me. It sounds selfish and it may very well be but if I'm given a heads up on a possible wrench in the works I can handle that and regroup and come up with plan B. I'm not a completely unreasonable bitch. My mother didn't help things either, I truly detest when other people slather me with their un-happy moods.

While I was contemplating my sanity and occasional lack thereof last night I came up with the most nifty little phrase that sums up my feelings and the way I interact with most people. "Call me a bitch if you want. I love you but my sanity is more important to me than you current issues". I have to try my hardest to try and not take on other people's problems. It hurts that I have to detach myself from family and friends (mostly family) when they start talking about whatever is currently plaguing them. It's not that I don't care. I care too much and it is often my downfall.

I have a bad habit of absorbing the problems of people I love and letting them drive me to despair. I can't do it anymore or I won't last very long. I can offer the occasional shoulder or tidbit of wisdom if I'm feeling normal enough but some people can ruin that fast enough by injecting their drama into me. I must be careful.

Now for the fun part. The new drugs Lithium 250mg morning and night, Lexapro mg once at night and Seroquel 50mg once a night. The side-effects are a bit daunting but the good doctor says most are minimal. I do have a history of snagging a few of the stranger ones like hives,bruising and tremors from my previous meds but I just have to hold the faith and not give up when the cotton mouth and other annoying ones hit me.

I've got my handy little mood chart and all I need to do is pick up some toothpicks and blowpops and I'll be ready for the battle of jaw clenching and cotton mouth.

Vive la resistance!!!!

BP-Bunny signing out :P

What is fun to talk about is Gavin dancing around (and getting me to dance with him) to this "muskick" this morning. I started reading my friend Jeff's blog, and found myself at the Davey Dance Blog. It's like this:

Davey Dance-BLOG. A project started while traveling Europe during Spring 2007. Armed only with an ipod and a Canon PowerShot, Davey picks a location and a pop song. Then Davey records an improvised dance.

The most recent one is in front of Cinderella Castle at the Magic Kingdom. This guy is hilarious, and I love how random people come join him in his dance. Bear in mind that the other people can't hear any music, and it's just classic. Check out the little boy dancing in the background, and you'll get an idea of how Gav was while listening. Go on to the rest of his blog and see everything else we listened to -- and danced to -- this morning.

[vodpod id=ExternalVideo.633355&w=425&h=350&fv=clip_id%3D1334655%26server%3Dwww.vimeo.com%26autoplay%3D0%26fullscreen%3D1%26md5%3D%26show_portrait%3D0%26show_title%3D0%26show_byline%3D0%26context%3D%26context_id%3D]

MY song !!, nunca me senti tan reflejado en algo como en esta  cancion, ni en un espejo  vaya...

Müdigkeit. Müdigkeit ist die Nebenwirkung, die mich am härtesten traf. Ich sage traf, weil sie zur Zeit einigermaßen weit zurückgedrängt wird. Müdigkeit wird bei mir vor allem durch das Amisulprid (Solian) ausgelöst. Es gab Zeiten mit Dosierungen von über 600mg, da brauchte ich locker 12 Stunden Schlaf pro Nacht - tagsüber war ich trotzdem hundemüde. Was tut man gegen diese Nebenwirkung? Als erstes spricht man sie beim Arzt an. Eventuell ist sie so schlimm, dass sie medizinische Interventionen wie Medikamentenwechsel oder wie in meinem Fall, das Verschreiben von Clomipramin notwendig macht. Was kann man sonst machen? Kaffee ist natürlich das, in Anführungsstrichen, härteste Mittel der Wahl. Mit Kaffee sollte man vorsichtig sein, er kann Unruhe auslösen oder die Medikamentenwirkung beeinflussen. Gut hilft auch schwarzer oder grüner Tee. Aber alles in Maßen. Morgens kalt duschen macht fit, genauso wie Wassertreten (meine erste Beschäftigtung nach dem Aufstehen in der Psychiatrie). Sport soll auch helfen gegen die Tagesmüdigkeit zu wirken, genauso wie Autogenes Training oder Progressive Muskelentspannung.

Eine weitere, sehr unbeliebte Nebenwirkung ist die Gewichtszunahme. Kam bei mir vor allem durch das Amisulprid und das Clomipramin. Hier hilft eine gesunde Ernährung und regelmäßiger Sport, wie zum Beispiel Joggen oder andere Ausdauersportarten. Ich weiß, dass es sau schwierig ist, sich aus der Neuroleptika-Lethargie aufzuraffen, aber es lohnt sich. Außerdem sollte man sich nicht selbst belügen und sein Gewicht regelmäßig kontrollieren. Es gibt Medikamente, wie beispielsweise Olanzapin (Zyprexa), da ist die Gewichtszunahme so extrem, dass man sie unbedingt auch beim Psychiater ansprechen sollte. Hier kann man gemeinsam Lösungen finden. Ein Besuch beim Ernährungsberater kann auch hilfreich sein.

Übermäßiges Schwitzen, eine extrem unangenehme Nebenwirkung, wird oft durch Antidepressiva hervorgerufen. Bei mir vor allem durch Solvex (Ednorax), so dass ich es schließlich wieder abgesetzt habe. Aber auch das Clomipramin lässt einen nicht schlecht ölen. Hier habe ich versucht, mit Salbeipräperaten aus der Apotheke entgegen zu wirken, was aber leider nicht funktionierte. Salbeibäder sollen laut Auskunft meines Apothekers auch helfen. Ein gutes Deo sollte man ohnehin besitzen ;-)

Nicht sehr schön und mit Peinlichkeit behaftet ist das Thema Verstopfung (Obstipation). Hier habe ich ein super Hausmittelchen gefunden: Leinsamen. 500g kosten in der Drogerie 0,95 Euro und helfen wirklich. Vorausgesetzt man trinkt zur Einnahme genug, wirken zwei Esslöffel Leinsamen pur runtergespült oder im Joghurt oder Müsli wahre Wunder. Leinsamen sind Abführmittel definitiv vorzuziehen!

Ein Tremor in den Händen ist nicht nur störend beim Kaffeetassehalten, er fällt gegebenenfalls auch anderen auf und wirft seltsame Fragen auf. Hier sollte man mit dem behandelnden Arzt sprechen. Oft bildet sich der Tremor auch spontan zurück (wie beispielsweise beim Lithium), es können aber auch medikamentöse Schritte möglich sein, wie zum Beispiel das Verschreiben eines Betablockers. Aber genau das will man ja auch vermeiden: weitere Pillen schlucken, nur um den Nebenwirkungen der eigentlichen Pillen entgegenzuwirken.

Alpträume: Manche Medikamente rufen seltsame, surreale oder intensive Träume hervor, teilweise auch Alpträume. Hier kann man sich mal mit der Technik des Klarträumens beschäften. Als Lektüre empfehle ich besonders das Buch "Schöpferisch träumen - Wie Sie im Schlaf das Leben meistern: Der Klartraum als Lebenshilfe" von Tholey.

Starker Durst ist eine Nebenwirkung, die Lithiumsalze hervorrufen können. Hier hilft natürlich viel trinken, aber, um Gewichtszunahmen vorzubeugen, sollte man sich auf Wasser und Tee beschränken.

Innere Unruhe und Angst kann ebenfalls eine Nebenwirkung sein, die Medikamente hervorrufen können. Hier sollte man nicht sofort ein Benzo einschmeißen, sondern es erstmal mit Baldrianpräperaten oder -tees, Entspannung (Progressive Muskelentspannung), Sport oder anderen Arten von Ablenkung versuchen. Außerdem sollte man seinen Nikotin- und Kaffeekonsum überprüfen, das Zeug fördert Unruhe nämlich auch nicht übel.

Eine Depressive Verstimmung kann durchaus auch von Medikamenten kommen. Und bevor man sich hier das nächstbeste Antidepressivum verschreiben lässt, sollte man mit seinem Arzt überlegen, was man hier sonst noch tun könnte. Pflanzlich kommen Johanniskrautpräperate in Frage. Aber Vorsicht: Diese können in Konflikt stehen mit anderen Medikamenten, die man einnnimmt (z.B. Abilify). Gibt es rezeptfrei in der Apotheke oder im Drogeriemarkt - sie müssen aber ausreichend dosiert sein um richtig zu wirken.

Gegen Lichtempfindlichkeit, ausgelöst durch Johanniskraut oder Antidepressiva, hilft Schatten und Sonnencreme.

Schlussendlich bleibt zu sagen: Je weniger Medikamente, desto weniger Neben- und Wechselwirkungen. Leider ist das Vermeiden von Medikamenteneinnahme nicht immer möglich. Deshalb gilt grundsätzlich:

Zu Risiken und Nebenwirkungen lesen Sie die Packungsbeilage und fragen Sie Ihren Arzt oder Apotheker

Nebenwirkunsgportal

• Diazepam (aka Valium)
  • Maximale Dosis: 10mg.
  • Macht nur leicht müde, beruhigte meine Psyche in starken Angst- und Erregungsmomenten. Nie lange genommen wegen Abhängigkeitspotenzial
• Cipralex
  • Maximale Dosis: 20mg
  • Meistens 10mg. Hatte bei mir gute antidepressive Effekte mit relativ wenig Nebenwirkungen
• Solian (Amisulprid)
  • Maximale Dosis: 650mg
  • Insgesamt gut vertragen, leider starke Müdigkeit und leichte Gewichtszunahme
• Dipiperon (Dosis unbekannt, Kreislaufkollaps, es blieb beim einmaligen Versuch)
• Eunerpan (gleiches wie bei Didiperon)
• Lithium
  • Maximale Dosis 1350mg
  • Keinerlei gefühlte Wirkung, starker Durst, extrermer Tremor in den Händen das erste halbe Jahr
• Nortrilen
  • Maximale Dosis: 50mg
  • Weder Wirkung noch Nebenwirkung gespürt
• Akineton
  • Maximale Dosis: 4mg
  • Blickkrämpfe und Muskelzuckungen sowie Restless-Leg-Syndrom (aufgetreten bei Seroquel) verschwanden
• Seroquel
  • Maximale Dosis: 200mg
  • Extreme Müdigkeit, viel zu schneller Puls. Einnnahmedauer relativ kurz (3 Monate)
• Atosil
  • Maximale Dosis: 50mg
  • Sehr selten als Bedarf eingesetzt. Beruhigt, macht aber verdammt müde
• Clomipramin
  • Maximale Dosis: 50mg
  • Gute Anti-depressive Wirkung, wirkt auch gut gegen neuroleptikabedingte Müdigkeit, leider 4kg zugenommen
• Abilify
  • Maximale Dosis: 20mg
  • Zuverlässige antipsychotische Wirkung, keine spürbaren Nebenwirkungen außer gelegentliches Muskelzucken, was wohl auch durch das Amisulprid ausgelöst wird
• Solvex
  • Maximale Dosis: 4mg
  • Leichte anti-depressive Wirkung, besserer Antrieb, viel zu starkes Schwitzen (deshalb abgesetzt). Positiv: 5kg abgenommen.

Alle Dosierungen wurden ärztlich kontrolliert, Wirkungen und Nichtwirkungen beziehen sich auf meinen Körper und sind nicht zu verallgemeinern.

So fing das an. Das folgende Jahr verläuft ruhig. Mein Psychiater sattelt ambulant noch ein paar Medikamente drauf. Zwischenzeitlich nehme ich zusätzlich noch 4mg Akineton am Tag gegen die vom Amisulprid ausgelösten Blickkrämpfe und Muskelzuckungen und 50mg Nortrilen um den Antrieb zu steigern. Begleitend mache ich eine Psychotherapie, beim dem selben Psychiater. Meine Diagnose jetzt: Akuter psychotischer Zustand(F23.9) und Akute Depression (F32.9). Mein Zustand wird mit Derealisationserleben umschrieben.

Ende des ersten Jahres gelingt es mir, das Amisulprid auf 200mg abzusenken. Selbstverständlich war ich nach Ausbruch der Krankheit völlig Cannabisabstinent (bis heute) und habe auch keinen Alkohol mehr konsumiert. Das änderte sich, als es wieder aufwärts ging. Ab und an trank ich ein Bier und im September 2005 kam dann nach Ausbildungsbeginn, Wohnungswechsel und einem Abend mit etwas mehr Alkohol der Rückfall. PENG! Meine Wahrnehmung war wieder dahin, Ansgt kam zurück, alles war wieder surreal und wie im Traum (ich war aber die ganze Zeit zurechnungsfähig und angemerkt hat man es mir auch nicht).

Die nächsten zwei Jahre verliefen dann in einem ständigen Auf und Ab, gesundheitlich, medikamentös und privat und beruflich allgemein. Meine Höchstdosen waren gleichzeitig 20mg Abilify, 650mg Amisulprid, 4mg Solvex (Ednorax) und 50mg Clomipramin, dazu das Lithium sowie Atosil als Bedarf. Eine Wochenration so ungefähr so aus:

Seit einem Jahr geht es mir nun wieder besser, das Lithium ist seit Januar 2007 draußen ohne dass ich die geringste Veränderung bemerke, das Abilify ist, da ich es am besten vertrage, nach wie vor auf 20mg, Amisulprid liegt bei 300mg, Solvex ist weg und das Clomipramin nach wie vor bei 50mg.

Vor 4 Monaten wurde dann noch, wohl ausgelöst durch das Abilify (und vielleicht auch durch das Clomipramin), viel zu hoher Blutdruck festgestellt. 160 zu 105 im 24h-Durchschnitt. Und schon sind wir wieder bei noch mehr Medikamenten. Hinzu kommen Ramipril sowie Amlopidin. Wenigstens ist der Blutdruck wieder normal.

Das erst mal zu mir als Einführung. Kommentare sind willkommen.

Hope, like the gleaming taper's light,
Adorns and cheers our way;
And still, as darker grows the night,
Emits a brighter ray.
- Oliver Goldsmith

I had the meeting with the new therapist (we're going to call him T, k?) today and it went very well indeed.  Please don't get me wrong, I have nothing against my old therapist (we're going to call her B) but some things happened towards the end of our working relationship that made me unhappy.  I'm not going to air dirty laundry here, so please don't ask about it, suffice it to say that it was enough to make my progress with her come to a halt and that made me seek out T's services.  I would still probably recommend B as a therapist, and should something happen between T and I, I could see myself going back to B - at least temporarily.  I meant what I said about her being a friend and I don't just give up on friends that easily.  It was a painful decision to make, but looking back now having met with T, I'm glad I did it.

So, about the visit with T.  He is exceptionally friendly and easy to talk to, as one would expect of a therapist.  He was probing in his questions but not in a Spanish Inquisition sort of way.  We spent most of the time today establishing my mental health history so he's got a baseline to work from.  That's always fun.  "Tell me about your childhood."  Well there ain't much to tell really.  I grew up in a normal family with both parents still happily married, one younger sister, out in the suburbs, no drugs or alcohol or abuse, nothing really interesting happened at all.  You know, that kind of shit.

I told him about my first therapist and her new age hippie stuff as I call it.  He knows her, too.  Did I mention that T knows B?  Probably forgot to, but anyway,  he does.  And he knows the first psych doc (let's call him dr. jerk) I was seeing and shares my opinion that the guy is a jerk.  I told him about being on Seroquel and feeling like a walking zombie all the time.  T thinks I'm still over-medicated.  Evidently I still don't have much facial affect going on - which explains "the look" that I have most of the time that drives Rob absolutely bonkers.  My current psych doc (we'll just call her Doc) says my affect is getting much much better, particularly since we've taken me off the Seroquel, but I guess I've got a long way to go.  Anyway, T says he knows of patients who are Bipolar II who are only on Abilify, not both that and the Lithium.  I'm trying to remember but I think I've pretty much always been on both since dr. jerk took over my care, or at least pretty close to it.  Let's put it this way - I can't remember a time when I wasn't taking both.

At any rate, the session went very well, I didn't cry once (he said we save that for the second session :)) and I left feeling as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  In all I would have to say it was a very positive experience.

This part is for Hannah - there was no bear skin hats that I could see, but he did have a lot of Eastern type decor in his office.  There was definitely an owl, I remember that, and lots of plants, but I don't remember seeing any bears.  It's a very comfortable office - on the corner of the building with a couple of nice big windows, comfy sofas, Oriental rug on the floor, big bookcase on one wall - and I think the walls were painted dark purple.  That's about all I can remember.

And this part is for Beartwinsmom - a couple of pseudo crappy pictures of the jewelry I made over the weekend.

I did not do the fancy work on the medallion - I bought it that way.  I just thought it was pretty and wanted to take a close up shot of it.  If you really want I can try to take some better pics of the other pieces and email them to you, just let me know.   :) (or if enough people comment I'll post them here)

Back to the business at hand...

This meeting with T has given me new HOPE for recovery.  There's been some talk of recovery over at Hannah's place here recently and that has kind of gotten me thinking as well.  When do you decide that enough is enough?  That it's time to throw in the towel?  Time to cash in your chips?  You get the idea.  I'm a HUGE advocate of "keep on fighting" and "never give up" - but it's been a goodly while since I've had a knock-down drag-out stay in bed for a week kind of depression where I felt like just giving it all up.  And I thank the powers that be every fucking morning that I am able to get up and keep moving and make it to the shower and get myself dressed and out the door to work because I remember what it was like when I couldn't do that.  So for me there is no question - you DON'T EVER GIVE UP.  There are 2 things to know about me - 1) I am not patient and 2) I am stubborn.  Here are some things, affirmations if you will, that I like to tell myself when things get especially rough:

• I AM MORE THAN THIS DISEASE
• I CAN BEAT THIS DISEASE AND LIVE A "NORMAL" LIFE
• I WILL NOT BE CRAZY FOREVER

I realize that looks like shouting and I did that for a reason - you gotta say 'em with force!  Say it loud, say it proud!

Hope for recovery, hope for a normal life, hope for a regular range of human emotions - is there hope for the hopeless?  Only time will tell.

Libur t'lah tiba

Hore ... Hore ... Hore ...

Musim liburan sekolah seperti sekarang, pastinya banyak keluarga yang menghabiskan waktunya dengan berkunjung ke tempat-tempat wisata (di dalam dan luar kota). Dan buat yang belum berkeluarga, pastinya tiap weekend akan diisi dengan kegiatan jalan-jalan (bersama teman atau *ehm* pacar).

Salah satu gadget yang wajib dibawa selama bepergian adalah Pocket Digital Camera *selanjutnya disebut PDC aja biar mudah*. PDC sekarang memang memudahkan penggunanya untuk mendokumentasikan momen, hanya dengan point-and-shoot ... hal ini berbeda dengan jaman sebelum tahun 2000an disaat orang-orang masih menggunakan Pocket Film Camera (PFC) yang serba terbatas, tidak praktis, dan memerlukan uang lebih untuk melihat hasilnya. Karena alasan kepraktisan-lah, maka saat ini banyak orang yang membeli PDC, selain faktor harga yang semakin murah, dan fitur-fitur yang semakin canggih.

Karena kemudahan yang ditawarkan oleh kamera digital, ada beberapa kesalahan basic yang bikin momen-momen liburan tidak bisa ter-capture dengan baik. Antara lain :

Baterai

Karena kamera digital yang notabene sudah full-electronic tidak akan bisa hidup tanpa ada supply listrik dari baterai, oleh karena itu sebelum bepergian biasakan untuk men-charge baterai Lithium kamera anda sampai full. Jangan sampai momen-momen indah tidak bisa ter-capture hanya karena baterai kamera anda habis.

Apabila kamera anda menggunakan baterai jenis AA, sebaiknya belilah baterai dengan kapasitas minimal 2000mAH agar anda dapat menggunakan kamera anda untuk ratusan shoot, karena harga sepasang baterai AA 2000mAH saat ini tidaklah terlalu mahal (berkisar antara Rp. 30.000 - Rp. 40.000). Sediakan juga baterai cadangan bila sewaktu-waktu baterai PDC anda habis.

Good Tips : Gunakan mode flash manual (flash hanya akan bekerja bila memang triggernya berasal dari user) untuk menghemat baterai

Memory Card

Sebelum pergi berlibur, jangan lupa untuk mengosongkan memory card. Sehingga saat bepergian memory card sudah dalam keadaan kosong, dan siap diisi dengan photo-photo selama liburan. Amat disayangkan bila ada momen yang tidak bisa tercapture hanya karena space di memory card anda udah habis. Jangan lupa siapkan juga memory card cadangan *dengan harga memory card 1 Gb yang hanya Rp. 80.000 rasanya bukan hal yang terlalu mahal bila dibandingkan dengan momen-momen yang tidak bisa ter-capture*

Good tips : selalu pindahkan isi dari memory card ke PC sepulang dari berlibur agar memory card selalu kosong dan siap digunakan.

Gambar Blur

Gambar blur pada kamera digital adalah hal yang biasa kita jumpai, hal ini terjadi karena shutter lag dan keterbatan shutter speed. Good Tips untuk mengatasi gambar blur :

• Aktifkan fitur antishake pada kamera *rata-rata kamera digital pocket saat ini sudah memiliki fitur ini*
• Usahakan untuk memegang kamera dengan kedua tangan anda secara steady
• Pastikan objek yang anda photo sedang dalam keadaan "still", dan tunggu sampai shutter tertutup secara sempurna *biasanya diakhiri dengan suara shutter dari kamera*
• Naikkan ISO pada kondisi low light
• Gunakan Flash *tapi saya kurang merekomendasikan hal ini, karena akan membuat hasil photo menjadi tidak alami lagi biasanya menjadi over exposure*

Camera Case

Oh ya, satu lagi yang biasanya dianggap remeh oleh pengguna PDC : Camera Case. Camera case idealnya harus bisa melindungi PDC dengan baik dan mengurangi resiko kerusakan. Good tips for you :

• Pilihlah PDC case yang bisa melindungi PDC anda dari debu, air, dan goncangan
• Pilihlah PDC case yang ukurannya compact, ringkas, namun cukup untuk menaruh memory card dan baterai cadangan sehingga praktis untuk dibawa kemana saja dan mudah untuk dimasukkan kedalam tas atau sekedar disangkutkan di ikat pinggang
• Untuk mencegah kelembaban, selipkan silica gel pada PDC case anda

Selamat berlibur dan salam jepret *halah* ... :)

I had a very nice visit with the shrink today.  We went over her notes from my initial evaluation with her and decided that we didn't really need to do a re-evaluation as I am most definitely Bipolar II.  Part of me is very pissed off and part of me is very relieved.  The pissed off part wanted her to do some kind of elaborate tests to determine conclusively that I am or am not Bipolar.  The relieved part is so because the last two and a half years haven't been for naught.  She did say that if I ever wanted a second opinion I was welcome to get one as it would not hurt her feelings.  I thought that was nice.  We also talked about my anxiety levels and how that's come down a good bit in the last few weeks.  I told her I don't much care for the Clonazepam and she was in agreement that it can be nasty stuff, but told me to take it if I need it.  And as always we talked about the dread lithium and when I'll be coming off of it.  Today we actually talked about trying me on Lamictal again so that might be happening in the not too distant future.  We shall see.

Tomorrow is the meeting with the new therapist.  I think I might need a Clonazepam for that - well maybe half of one.  I'm always nervous meeting new medical type people and this will be no exception.  I am taking Rob with me for support, so that should help some.  Actually, I guess I should say, I'm having Rob take me as I'm making him drive me tomorrow so I don't have to deal with parking downtown.  That right there would cause me rather considerable anxiety.  Anyway, I know it'll be fine, I'm just nervous, that's all.  I've got my outfit and jewelry for tomorrow all picked out already to make a good impression.  I'm wearing a very old skirt (that still looks new) and a brand new necklace.  It should be lovely.

I had been worried that I was sliding back into another depression phase, but after talking to the shrink today I don't think that's the case.  I think it's the side effects of the Clonazepam.  It makes feel almost hungover after it wears off, it makes me want to sleep a lot, makes it hard to concentrate, I stare off into space kind of goofy like - it's just not good.  But it does take the edge off the anxiety.  ;)  What're ya gonna do, eh?

 Vous avez déjà eu à prendre des décisions qui ne reposaient pas véritablement sur vous, qui n' étaient, en fait, en rien reliées à vous? Avez-vous déjà eu à assumer quelqu' un d' autre que vous, tenu par un fil imaginaire, en suspend au dessus de la vie, avec l' obligation d' inverser les rôles et de nager plus fort qu' le courant pour finir englouti sous les algues d' un étang gluant ? Oui oui, ce genre d' endroit qui, de loin, semblait, à prime abord, l' endroit idéal pour accoster, pour faire dorer le rêve, le mirage du siècle!, le bed and breakfest de tout montréalais abruti par la ville qui croyait enfin trouver refuge sur une île calme à la jupe au bleu plus pur et aveuglant que l' étincelle émanant des yeux insouciants d' un enfant... Passer sa vie à réajuster le tir, ça vous fait redouter l' instinct en vous. Ça vous fait bouder la vie de ne pas avoir su vous doter d' une boussole digne de ce nom. Ça vous donne des airs de tit-gamin-qui-veut-qu' on-lui-dise-tout-comment-pourquoi-et-de-quelle-façon s' enligner, parce que sans la carte routière, la batterie de rechange et les câbles à booster, il aurait jamais appris à marcher.

Vous savez quoi? J' veux juste vivre ma vie! J' demande rien à personne, j' mène ma 'tite vie à des kilomètres de l' endroit d' où sa mère a cru bon éduquer la mienne, forger ma peur aussi, pratiquement aussi dosée qu' le besoin d' respirer. . La chienne à chaque brin d' oxygène qui entre pour mieux vous empoisonner le bonheur.  La culpabilité de s' en détoxiquer. La fascination de la voir analyser les failles du prototype premier. Son moule. Ses failles. Se servir de l' enfant pour prendre les décisions qui reviennent habituellement aux grands. Alors, avec un tout petit semblant de rien, parce que vous savez pas les choses autrement, avec le mal d' avancer, mais le besoin d' acquérir cette fierté, bien en dehors de vous, sans trop vous courber. La tête droite qui se fait lourde mais qui doit tenir bon pour équilibrer la génétique. L' implacable destination. La différence. Oh, pas tant ce chemin qui vous colle à la peau et qui vous laisse devenir, que celui qui ne ressemble pas au sien. Contourner. Sans destination. Que la nécessité d' éviter les nids de poule alors que vous auriez pu descendre de la voiture et vous inventer un pays. Lui dessiner des ailes de routes ou de vagues. Que le panorama souhaité comme façon de procéder, de procréer.  Rejoindre ce que vous êtes. Relier vôt coeur à vos pieds. Ne plus vous conditionner. Être convaincu que vous n' êtes pas dans l' obligation de vous greffer les poils du cul sur la tête, de vous coller le service à la clientèle sur le cv des amours, envisager une façon de faire différente au lieu d' abdiquer en enfourchant des détours sans fin, des culs-de-sac comme ces boucles de rue d' Europe qui reviennent toujours en leur sens.... Espérer ne pas devenir ce fruit qui s' fiche le ruban de la catégorie au visage. Ce malapris qui ne tombe jamais loin de l' arbre. Souhaiter l' exception, le coup de vent, qui vous changera en confiture pour vous faire planer tout l' espace durant... Ce droit, cette chance, ce pouvoir d' être qui vous voulez, quand vous le voulez. Figer le temps. Devenir soi. Jouer avec les mousses de son nombril. Se rebeller contre le modèle. Le seul. Alors qu' on sait et qu' on passe ses jours à rester juste de l' autre côté de la corde de peur de perdre pied, de s' enfarger dans les fleurs du plancher, alors qu' il faudrait seulement marcher dessus, doucement, un pas à la fois,  et avec le sourire. Ne pas s' en faire. Vivre. Du moins essayer, au mieux de ses capacités.

Non, c' est vachement mieux faire comme si, parce qu' il faut être socialement, mentalement et physiquement.  Apte. Spirituellement, osez même pas y penser! Le travail y' a que ça de vrai! Ne pas devenir l' ombre de soi-même, ça fait pas fructifier l' économie, ça gonfle encore moins les voiles du capitalisme. Ça change surtout pas la bâtardise en sang royal. Ça donne même pas un laisser-passer-envoyez-se-faire-paître-les-fichus-formulaires-à-l'urgence-quand-vous-êtes-en-train-de-crever. Nan, réfléchir, ça promet aucun rang social. Bah non, vaut mieux posséder. Acquérir. Détenir le pouvoir absolu. Les richesses. L' argent! Parlez-moi de valeurs qui rendent leurs colonnes aux hommes qui ont voulu réfléchir, et qui ont perdu la source même de l' idée. Philosopher, pffff, on  a déjà pendu pour moins que ça! À quoi bon expliquer qu' on fonce avec la volonté rattachée au plus profond des tripes parce que y' a que ça qui va les empêcher de s' enrouler à nôt cou.

Faire fi des apparences quand on sort du vagin de la honte, balancer les attentes et larguer tout ce qui vous rappelle un peu ce dans quoi on vous a clairement indiqué que vous valiez pas-plus-que-ça. Ouais, c' est clairement évident. C' est pas la chose à faire. Faut penser simple, faut penser business. Faut geler les racines, les condamner à  un hiver éternel en espérant voir des bourgeons venir décorer la cime des arbres. Mettre la même maudite visse sur le même petit maudit modèle dans une usine de montage sans se demander où elles vont finir par aboutir parce que personne n' en veut plus sur le marché. Secouer la terre au passage, s' agripper au vent. Faut être fou pour ça. C' est le comble de l' immoralité. Faut s' organiser pour payer le fardeau de la dette, de l' offrande de vie. S' acquitter de la facture, du poids des intérêts; devenir le guide de quelqu' un qui n' a jamais su l' être, avec, au passage, l' expérience qui vous fracasse la faculté de penser à coup de vague de 30 pieds. Enfiler le manteau d' un capitaine qui a passé sa vie à conduire un bateau qui prenait l' eau, à présent évanoui, plaqué face au plancher, et devenir la cible de service de l' oeil engloutissant. Je me suis toujours demandé : L' oeil est-il la source des grands vents ou le simple fruit de leurs conséquences? Qu' importe, il ne faut pas penser. Alors on balance l' empathie par dessus bord, on enfonce le mépris dans une poche, l' envie de tout balancer dans l' autre. On sort les lunettes fumées au cas où il faudrait justifier le manque de connaissances. Au cas où il faudrait masquer la peur. Ouais, la peur de tout. La peur de vivre comme celle de crever. La peur d' oser, de reculer, de ne pas savoir, où pire encore, de ne plus vouloir, de renoncer.  D' avouer qu' on ne peut pas chausser les souliers de quelqu' un après 48 ans et croire qu' on saura, qu' on sera Dieu, pour changer. Être le plaster et le bobo. Vouloir changer l' attitude, la perception sans avoir jamais tenté de comprendre, d' appliquer, d' apprendre, d'écouter. De diriger la vie contre vents et marées.

ET écouter c' est pas si simple, quand ce qu' on déteste par dessus tout  c' est de manger des mots brodés par le mensonge. J' préfère une baffe en pleine gueule, qu' un coup de poignard dans le dos, j' suis comme ca.. Affronter de face. Voir venir les coups. Stabiliser ce qui menace de tout faire planter. J' veux pas d' une fausse vie, j' l' ai tellement peaufinée pour lui donner des airs de contes de fée étant gamine. Cheveux au vent, libre de tout, enchaînée à la vie et au bonheur par de fragiles chaines de rien du tout. Même pas de quoi vous dire que, si vous étiez acculée au plancher, elle oserait arrêter de danser, de se poudrer. Non. Juste du rien. Que la certitude qu' elle ne sera, jamais. Qu' il faut pas espérer. Qu' il faut faire mieux, que pour soi. Sans compétition aucune, sinon cette loyauté envers cette promesse faite à soi-même, ce respect quant à sa personne. Aimer et profiter de la vie sans geler tout ce qui vous fait vous perdre un peu en retour, ce qui vous fait souffrir; et redoubler d' espoir quant à ce qui vous fait sourire, d' un coup qu' ça finirait par coller... Être patient. Optimiste. Recommencer, encore. Tenter de ne plus s' aggriper au vide, attendre ce qu' il y a de mieux. Ne plus fermer les yeux sur tout, que pour la défaite de n' pas avoir vu le fossé dans lequel on aura trébuché... Oublier d' exister, pour des chaines de rien du tout. Pour une couronne qui vous saigne de partout. Non. Je sais que ca vaut pas le coup. J' vais voir à ma vie, c' est tout... J' ai fait le choix, de me choisir moi...

J' t' avais fait une promesse mam. T' en avais fait une aussi tu te rappelles, et deux et trois? Dans 426 sous-catégories plus farfelues les une que les autres. C' est ce qu' on apprend aux tout-petits à Noel, après leur avoir mis en pleine gueule toute l' année à coup de Vas-t'asseoir-dans-le-coin , qu' il faut toujours être honnête : qu' on est pas toujours le modèle que l' on revendique quand on finit par les obliger à remercier pour les présents offerts qui ne conviennent pas, mais pas du tout. Leur apprendre à maquiller, à embellir la vérité... Leur apprendre la destination 364 jours par année et tout compromettre l' espace d' une veilléé où l' on se croit tout permis, où l' on croit avoir enfin acquis cette force, de ne plus abdiquer. De se parler, avant de sombrer. Tu sais, comme cette promesse faite à toi-même... Oh, c' est pas si mal au fond, je l' espère du moins. Y' a pas de cadeau à retourner, qu' un emballage qui s' est goinfré des saisons de lunes à vouloir se faire désirer. À se torturer les confettis de ne pas savoir se faire aimer. À baisser le prix l' espoir de changer d' allée, pour voir des yeux le reluquer. Mais t' as  mis du tape en esti ! Et je doute de l'effet, un coup la colle enlevée. Un nouveau look? Un second souffle? Un nouveau départ? Tu sais, on échange pas  une vie usée, comme on change une paire de souliers....

***Bon.... L' exivrogne, Il est plus sage que moi... Il me fait suer, ( ;) ) pour tout vous dire, avec sa facon toute particulière et si douce de me faire voir les choses telles qu' elles le sont... L' expérience, ca ne s' acquiert pas en alignant les syllabes et/ou en voguant d' un état d' âme à l' autre et/ou en ajoutant à la stupidité de la culpabilité.... À bien y penser, c' est des oreilles que je devrais m' greffer su' l' coeur.... M' enfin... Merci tout plein m'sieur! :)

Voici la nouvelle solution, qui sera difficile à gober pour la famille, mais puisque la décision finale-familiale repose sur mes  épaules... Voici, donc le discours téléphonique qui se fera ce matin, préparé par l' ami le plus adéquat en la matière:

''Mam, j' crois pas que tu m' aies donné la vie pour me la faire souffrir. Alors, voici clairement ce que je suis prête à faire pour vivre heureuse... ''

Te voir admettre ta maladie et te voir faire ce qu' il faut pour t' en sortir, notamment, prendre tes médicaments, et le faire sans altérer le résultat avec d' autres substances.Ces deux conditions sont les seules pour maintenir notre relation.

Si tu entends les respecter, moi je vais t' aider. Pour t'aider je suis prête à faire deux choses...

1. Aller te porter en thérapie pour maîtriser ta dépendance.
2. Aller te porter chez ton psychiatre pour régulariser ta médication que tu as toujours modulé avec la prise de substances.

 
Es-tu prête à aller en détox?

Là, elle va probablement changer de sujet... te dire n' importe quoi... là, ca sera à toi de prouver que tu peux surmonter ta dépendance face à ta culpabilité... ( Hein, qu' y vient-ti pas me chercher, y' a le tour, avouez ;) )  Awayez pesez sû'  l' bobo, j' aime ca! :P 

Ensuite,Tu répètes "es-tu prête à aller en détox?"   

Si elle refuse, tu raccroches et lui demande de te rappeler que lorsqu' elle sera prête...

Ces conditions, sans quoi, plus d' entente. Plus de présence. Niet. Nada. Prout.

Et?

Can't they coat medication in tasty chicken or something?  Tasty Lamictal chicken for mains, chocolate covered Seroquel for dessert.  All I need is melon flavoured Seroxat for starters and I'd be set.

I hate the taste of them. Lamictal tastes like paracetamol and I feel sick to my stomach for hours after taking it.  Seroquel is disgusting, and about a half hour after I take it, when the swaying, slurring drowsiness kicks in, I get cravings for food, any food.  I've been stood naked in my kitchen eating Weetabix from the packet, and come to bed squirrelling smoked ham.  Sometimes when I "wake up" (that is, come out of my drug-induced coma), I sleepily order Rob to get me some ice-cream, or a Snickers, or some jelly sweets.  In my day to day life I rarely eat crap, but when I'm drugged, I've sleptwalked to shops and come back with a Pot Noodle and a big bag of McCoys.  The next day, I awake to a pillow of wrappers and a throbbing toothache.

It can't be a coincidence that American literature is dotted with tales of glassy eyed housewives sprinkling the vile tasting Lithium over iced desserts.  Taking it on its own, at least in my experience, makes you retch.  It's a salty, bitter type of pill.  And Depakote is massive and looks like a blamange coloured lilo (the 500mg ones).  You choke about ten times before you finally swallow it.  People sniggering at the back there, shush.

Everybody knows that psychiatric medication is the pits.  The side effects are terrible, they make you sleepy and weird-feeling, your hair can fall out (as mine did on Depakote)  and they are credited by at least, ooh, a million writers as killing their imagination.  It's entirely understandable that I and many other of my Mentally Interesting brethren fantasise about flinging our pills into a river.  They should make medication a pleasure to take, then more people would take them.

Take note, AstraZeneca!  You could:

• Manufacture Seroquel as a delicious, nutritious, juicylicious beverage.  Call it "Sero-Qwell- Qwell Your Thirst!", then, in tiny writing, ..."and your schizophrenic/bipolar psychosis.  Do not operate heavy machinery, light machinery or even a mobile phone while taking this medication".
• Have the option of all drugs being a chocolate-tasting bar, like Ex-Lax.  I have eaten an entire bar of Ex-Lax because it was tasty.  True, within the next second everything I had eaten for a year rushed out of me, but it was worth it.
• For drug addicts and alcoholics who need anti-anxiety medications or drugs such as Campral, simply manufacture the drug as a) a drink or b) something they can cook up with a spoon.  Hours of fun!
• To take the stigma off antipsychotics, call them "Promarvellous"s or a similar fluffy, "Well done you" name.  Or "Schizbegone".
• And with antidepressants, call them, "Prohappiness".  Everyone will want one!
• With every box of medication, get a free puppy!
• With every Lithium prescription, include a booklet on, "Lithium- The Drug It's Cool To Take", which contains the lyrics of "Lithium" by Nirvana and Tony Soprano's experiences with Lithium.  (Let's face it, Lithium is the bad-ass drug.  I'm slightly regretful that it made me so ill because it means I can't smugly declare, "A BIG BAG OF LITHIUM PLEASE" when I go to the pharmacy.  The hush of awed respect is most rewarding).
• Medication should be like Love Hearts.   They should have cute notes inscribed on them so that when you rattle them out of their box, a veritable cascade of compliments flows into your hands.  For example, I take 400mg of Seroquel.  It'd be lovely if they said:

Or if I was suffering from delusions of reference...

...or delusions of persecution.

• They should list false side effects.  I know for a fact that a few of my friends who take Prohappiness pills secretly want the "excitable" side effect.  Rob took two of my Zopiclone in the hope that he'd hallucinate.  So, for antipsychotics, instead of weight gain, just list "weight gain may be concentrated around the penis or breast area".  And instead of, "this medication may cause impotence", write, "not taking this medication may cause impotence".
• And in the patient information sheet, under WHAT THIS MEDICATION IS FOR, add the caveat, "...and to increase your IQ, creativity and capability".
• On the same track, for antipsychotics, instead of warning, THIS MEDICATION IS FOR YOU.  DO NOT GIVE THIS MEDICATION TO ANYBODY ELSE, appeal to the paranoia of psychosis and say, "THIS MEDICATION IS FOR YOU.  BUT EVERYBODY ELSE WANTS IT.  IF YOU DON'T TAKE IT, THEY WILL TAKE IT".
• Every time you take your medication, a tenner is deposited in your bank account.  Every time you don't, a tenner is taken away.

Alternatively, if none of that works and people still don't take their medication, include a small bomb embedded in the pill casing that explodes after seven days if the pills haven't been popped.  That'll work.

• got up on time
• took my meds on time
• ate 3 meals at approximately regular meal times
• I got Rob motivated to get out of the house and do something today
• did a load of laundry
• did a little "lite" bead shopping
• made some new jewelry
• stayed dressed in street clothes until after dinner

In all it was a very pleasant day.  I haven't felt Bipolar at all today, which is nice.  I take that back, I got a little frustrated while I was doing the jewelry and working with the seed beads because I was having trouble getting my fingers to work properly, but besides that, I felt pretty damn good.  I didn't get quite as much done as I'd wanted to because I ran out of steam, but I managed to get 4 sets of necklaces/earrings made in about 4 hours which I guess isn't too bad.

I hate to be a downer, but I have to wonder how long this normalcy is going to last.  And why is it happening in the first place?  Is it the lowered dose of lithium?  Is it the little bit of booze in my system?  Is it the excitement of my impending 10 year wedding anniversary?  Whatever it is, I need to know and soon so I can make sure I figure out how to keep it going.  Today was one of the best days I've had in a very, very long time.

Oh, in case anyone was wondering I have managed to stay sober so far this weekend, though I am slowly plowing my way through all of the wine coolers I bought.  I'm just pacing myself is all.  I don't remember how old I was exactly the last time I got so drunk I got sick but I remember it as a horrible experience not to be repeated.  So those of you who were worried about my safety can breathe a sigh of relief. That goes for you, too, Mom.

As it happens they call such materials "rare earth elements" for a reason. It turns out that there are quite a number of materials that are presently in short supply. EETimes has a nice overview of this here.

As the US starts to reconsider nuclear development such materials as hafnium and platinum may soon be in short supply. Both of these are used in reactor designs.

Of particular interest in a possible supply problem with Lithium. This at a time when just about every portable electonic device uses Li-Ion batteries, and the automotive industry is looking to this battery technology for hybrids and plug-in electrics.

Update: Here's a link to some further details at priuschat.com obtained in a tweet from @ageekgal.

This all came about because when I talked to my new therapist (before he was my new therapist) he told me that if things weren't going well I needed to tell her and not just up and leave.  Very sound advice.  So once I had "talked" with my former therapist I called him back and now I have an appointment for next week, Wednesday to be precise.  Which should work out well because I see the shrink on Tuesday and I'm going to ask her to re-evaluate me to make sure I really am Bipolar II.

See here's the deal - I was diagnosed by one of the psych docs at the hospital when I had my first psych admit for a suicide watch.  Not an attempt - but I had PMT, meaning I had a Plan, I had the Means, and I had a Timeframe and I told all of this to the therapist I was seeing at the time.  She called the hospital and had me admitted.  Anyway, the doc there spent about 20 minutes with me and decided I was Bipolar II.  I saw him twice during the 9 days I was there because he went on vacation and so I got passed off to a different doctor who never re-evaluated me.  I ended up staying with that doc for a little over a year.  What an ass he was.  Anyway, when I switched to my current shrink she did a little bit of an evaluation (from what I remember) but I don't believe she did a full work up.  I'm going to see if she's willing to do that for me just to make sure I know what I'm fighting.  I want a second opinion and I'm willing to get it from her is what it boils down to.

Don't get me wrong - I'm pretty fucking sure I've got Bipolar II, but I want to be 100% certain, no doubt in my mind whatsoever.  I want to know I'm in therapy for the right thing, I want to know I'm being medicated for the right thing, I want to know I'm fighting the right thing, I want to know I'm in recovery for the right thing.  Not that I'll be pissed if I'm not, mind you, it just may change the strategies a wee bit.  That's all.

Part of this, too, is to make damn sure I need to be on that fucking lithium.  The longer I'm on it, the more I hate it.  And I'm afraid that means the more I need it.  I would love to be able to transition to something like Lamictal, but I don't know if there's much hope for that.  I just miss my fine motor control.  Though I do have to admit that today it's been pretty damn decent, all things considered.

Speaking of the meds, I got a call from the shrink telling me that if 1 pill of clonazepam wasn't enough and 2 was too much then I needed to "do the Goldilocks thing" and try 1.5 pills.  No shit, that's what her message on my machine said.  So tomorrow morning I will try that and see how it goes.

And now back to my Calypso Colada.  It's like a pina colada only it's blue.  Yummy...

But Lauren Cooper makes me laugh. :)

Elle s'appelle Roth Motorboard 2000XR. Un nom qui fait davantage penser à une moto de course japonaise qu'à un jouet pour californiens écolos, mais bon, vous pouvez l'appeler Carla, BorLow ou "Ma petite Mule" si ça vous chante...

Vous ne serez peut-être pas surpris par son design (roues orange vif et plateforme en bois) et sa carcasse ultra-légère  en aluminium, mais sa puissance , elle, va vous étonner.

Cette fois, plus besoin de pousser comme un malade avec les jambes sur des kilomètres, en suant à grosses gouttes comme un chihuahua sous le soleil du Mexique : ce prodige de la glisse électrique est propulsé par des batterie Hi-Tech au Lithium. Ce sont en fait des nano-batteries,  contrôlées par un processeur intégré à l'engin - et plus petites qu'un agenda électronique.

La vitesse maximale (bridée pour raisons de sécurité) est de 25 Km/H, avec une autonomie de deux heures, qui permet de parcourir 11 kilomètres en une seule charge. Mais la vraie bonne nouvelle, c'est que cette trotinette se recharge plus vite qu'un téléphone portable : en 90 minutes, la bête est de retour sur l'asphalte !

Bon, maintenant, si vous avez 530 € à dépenser, vous pouvez toujours l'offrir à Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet Leonardo di Caprio ou à Al Gore... ou la garder pour vous et vous éclater avec, en pensant que vous luttez contre le réchauffement climatique !