If you are or was “the other woman”  is he or was he really just a Casanova?

Wallahualam .....

This is the best way to explain the damage that emotional affairs do in a marriage.  Imagine a seesaw that is level.  Now image one person climbing on one end and two on the other.  The person on one end gets left dangling helplessly on the top while the two on the other end have total control.

In order for your marriage to work out your spouse will need to end the affair.  If your spouse does not then your marriage is doomed and you will be left crushed on the ground while the other two waltz off the seesaw.

Rielle: I cannot believe you issued a statement today and told the world you don't love me. You prick!

John: Awwww honey, let me explain ...

Rielle: My sister is fucking pissed at you, motherfucker, and she phoned the Washington Post and made it clear that little Francis is your baby!!

John: Sweet mother of fuck, why did you let her do that? I just went on TV and denied it! Jesus! I bought you a $3 million dollar home in Santa Barbara, and I'm getting a shitload of money to you every month, not to mention all those shit-ass documentaries I paid you for, and I banged you last month three times in three hours before those Enquirer fuckers showed up and chased me all over the hotel. What the fuck kind of gratitude is that?

Rielle: I thought you loved me! I am going to tell the world the truth! I have the e-mails, the letters and the phone messages! I saved the pillow cases with your hair dye stains all over them!

John: Now sugar, listen to me. Daddy does love you. Of course he does. But Liz is sick, honeypie, and so we'll wait. I love you more than life itself. But if you want us to walk down that aisle after Liz buys the farm, you need to listen to me and listen good, sweetpea.

Rielle: You said you didn't love me and here I am holed up in this house nursing this baby and wondering when the fuck we're EVER going to be together!

John: Sugar, I said listen to me good. There is a honking big cheque that could be getting deposited into your Cayman Islands bank account any minute now. Millions, honeypie. And in return for those millions, you are going to burn those pillow cases, delete those e-mails, erase those messages, and issue a statement tomorrow saying you have no intention of getting a paternity test. Do you understand, angelface? Because I said tonight I'd welcome one, and so if you don't come out tomorrow and refuse one, I am royally fucked. I can kiss my political future good-bye, and that will not be good for you either as the future Mrs. John Edwards the Second. You want to be on my arm when I am vice-president, don't you?

Rielle: How much?

John: Six million, sweetcheeks.

Rielle: And you promise me that we will in fact one day be together? You're not shitting me, are you? Because if YOU'RE FUCKING SHITTING ME ...

John: Now there, there, sugarplum. You'll wake up our baby. Hold tight, honeybee. Of COURSE we'll be together. I told you I loved you, didn't I, and I am a man of my word! Would I lie to you?

We can only hope his wife will ask forgiveness for controlling him and restricting his sex life. That's not love, it's ownership.

A tender caress on the newly shaved face,

A deep gaze into the eyes,"

And she wonders "So this is how it feels to be "the other"

She shrugs as she experienced her "Ahhh moment" in life.

I can't get the image of Bob and Lisa lying naked in bed, all spooned up caressing each other.  The text message I saw last year was all romantic "I want to lay in your arms again"...yada, yada, yada.  I feel sick to my stomach. 

Bob said last year that it was all part of the fantasy and they never met.  I believed him - I guess I wanted to and never in a million years would I thoughht he'd be capable of this.

He went back, again and again and my feelings never mattered, mattered at all.  Two days after he was caught with the text messages, while I was still crying and hurting and trying to make sense of it all it called her and said "we need to be more discreet. "  That hurts.  He knew what he had done, he knew how I felt and none of it mattered. 

A month later he was in bed with her at a crap hotel.  The day before he tried to hook up with others, sending "how are you" emails out - which I found.  The day after he showed up at my place with his car washed, his haircut and some lube in his laptop bag.  Soon as I saw the lube he said it was for us.  It wasn't opened.

The night he went and slept with that slut he sent me a text message on his way there, "miss you", he called me and we argued about why he was going out alone (he never did anything alone) and why he just didn't come to my place.  So he chose her.

He chose to lie in bed and cuddle with a stranger, have sex with someone else and call me on the way home.

The next night he said I was acting strange...it was him.  We had argued the weekend before - he used Lisa because we were fighting.  We never had sex the next night.  I wrote in my journal - likely becuase I was tired.  I was tired from the night before wondering what the hell he was up to. 

I knew he was meeting someone else, I guess, and didn't want to believe it. It's all there in my journal, July 24, 2007.  Plain as day.

I feel sick, I feel angry and I certainly feel betrayed.  Most of all I want these images of Lisa and my BF out of my head.  3/4 of our relationship he did this.  3/4 of our relationship he shared things with another womanintimacy, sexual intimacy.  And romance - told her what she wanted to hear. 

Romance only lasted about 5 months with me. He stopped massaging me, we stopped sleeping all wrapped around each other, he stopped showing up with wine or flowers or small gifts.  The chase was over and now he loved me.  The passion was gone.

Stupid me thought I was in a great relationship.

Can anyone explain their relationship to me?  Can anyone explain how you can sleep night after night and have sex with your partner, knowing that in a week you're going to have sex with someone else?

that's so ridiculous!  i can't even wrap my brain around the idea.  and why me the worst?  because i don't beat around the bush?  because i say what i mean?  because i want what i want?

truth be told, i'm a pathetic OW.  i couldn't even seal the deal.  couldn't TAKE what i so desparately wanted.  couldn't "even the score."

and why?  NOT becuase i didn't want Mister, Mister enough... but because I thought more of someone else than i did of myself/my needs.

if sacrificing MY NEEDS, for the good of someone else, makes me the WORST OW ever... than GUILTY AS CHARGED.

(but, hey, you'd at least think i'd have gotten some really hot, hot sex out of the deal... )

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

The second most popular post behind my top fifty songs list remains "Other Woman," where I share my views on women becoming involved with married men. Re-reading it now, I think I may have come off a tad bit sanctimonious. Maybe not though, or I would have hoped someone would have called me out on it (respectfully - cause that's how we do it here). But it was how I felt at the time - and how I still feel.

I'm revisiting the topic now because of something that happened to me recently - or rather an ongoing situation came to a head. Please note that some minor details will be vague or even completely changed to protect the innocent [read: my black ass].

Earlier this year, I started some side work at an organization and have to go up to their offices fairly frequently throughout the week. My first week there, one of the evening staffers took it upon himself to make my acquaintance. He gave me his business card and let me know if I was ever leaving the building late and needed an escort, he was at my service. I realized he was flirting but I just smiled and nodded. He was somewhere in his mid to late fifties and although I joke talk about pulling a sugar daddy, I certainly was not going to look for him in a place I handled business. I don't shit where I eat. And he certainly was not going to be married.

Over the course of time, on my way out the building in the evenings, I would stop and chat with him and the other night staff. (In case you're wondering, couldn't be avoided because I had to pass him to get out.) But it was cool. I'm a social butterfly like that. I just laughed off his comments about me being "the finest woman in the building." He broke it down for me how I was like "that there Jill Scott and Patti Labelle" - and somebody else I forget - wrapped up into one. Old men got compliments now!

One day he mentioned that he loved to cook - the other man sitting there co-signed that he had skills. I'm always impressed when a man throws down in the kitchen and I told him that. He said he did most of the cooking in the household. Since he knew I was a "Carolina girl," and loved some down home cooking, he promised to bring some food in for me to sample. I tried to dissuade him, admittedly not very hard. He was bringing a dish that I hadn't had in years. He brought it in a couple days later and that was the beginning.

Over the next few months, he didn't let more than a couple of weeks go by without bringing me something he cooked. Often, it was more than enough to eat on for two days and always very artfully arranged. I would always protest - albeit weakly - telling him that he didn't have to keep doing this. But he said "I gotta take care of you!" I admit, that was music to my ears. There were some nights that I was leaving those offices dead on my feet - mentally and physically. To leave there with that little "care package" and not have to go home and rustle up something to eat was almost as good as coming home to a foot massage and a listening ear.

That's how it starts isn't it?

Time passed. I kept laughing off comments about how "if only I wasn't married...." Whatever. Just bring me my food. I didn't take it seriously at all. Just jokes. My thoughts were on my stomach, as I allude to here.

Things came to a head recently when the head of a department invited me to an event. Of course ole dude encouraged me to come out as he would be manning the grill and told me I could bring some stuff and he would cook it up for me.

I came out with a friend of mine and sat back while he cooked up the food for me. It was a real nice time until he sat down and started talking. He got onto the topic of relationships - and of course sex. He went on and on about how that was at the top of his list of things important to him and how a man got to take care of business with his tongue.

He was oblivious to me and my girlfriend exchanging not so subtle glances and mocking commentary. I did not respond to what he was saying - not in the way he would have liked. But I didn't try strongly enough to end the conversation, although it was making me uncomfortable. The whole thing felt wrong and dirty - because it was.

Before I left, he pulled me to the side to make sure I wasn't offended [read: harassed]. He said he hadn't meant any harm. I brushed it off and told him we were cool. I left there feeling unsettled - and knowing that was the end of my "care packages." I always knew the day was coming when the somewhat lighthearted flirting would take a turn. He just had to get me outside of the office.

In the end, I know this is for the best. One of my primary reasons for never getting involved with a married man is that I believe what goes up must come down. If I eva found out the Mister was taking food out of our house to give to some hussy, that would be his ass. There would be hell to pay. So by the same token, I had no right to do the same thing to another woman.

I shared this story with someone who told me that I was leading him on. Although I know there was never a snowball's chance in hell that he would get anywhere near this, he probably thought he was making strides. That sex talk was testing the waters. While I was filling my belly and perhaps reveling in the attention a bit, he probably thought he was wearing me down.

Admittedly, "taking care of me" is one of the keys to my heart but only a single man could hold that key.

And I'll be letting him know that in no uncertain terms.

Lesson learned.

She comes first and foremost.  He told me this early on our marriage.  I only wish he had told me this before we married.

Now I know what you're thinking.  I'm another woman jealous of the kids from the previous marriage.  I assure you that that is not case.  Sure, I am jealous that she can do no wrong in his eyes; and I can do no right.  But it goes much further.  Their "special" relationship is quite unique alright.  It's private.  Her phone calls must be taken in private - in a different room than me or outside on the lawn.  Her emails and text messages are also private.   And yes, they meet during the day when I think he's at work.  Should I find out and question it, (she mentions it in front of me because it's only private and secret on his part) my husband screams at me that I have no right to come in between he and his "family." 

There's more on this craziness to come.  Unfortnately, lots more.  People don't believe me when I tell the stories.  Everyone thinks I'm stupid -too blind to see the obvious - that my husband is having an affair.  Yes, I thought that many times too, but when I check up on it, indeed, it's his daughter.

It's surreal, and no one I've ever talked to has heard of a situation like this.  If you have, please post.  I would LOVE to not feel so alone in this bewilardment.

It was while watching this movie (Love, Actually) a couple years ago when this scene in particular made me feel like the asshole that I was.  This WAS me - only I was not Emma Thompson's character drowning in pain and heartache on Christmas Eve.

I was the woman wrapping the rather tacky gold necklace around her neck.  Only worse - it was real life and it was too late to turn back.

Sitting there, watching this movie with my new boyfriend (on the phone), I've never felt more guilt in my life rip through by body at warp speed, even though I had not been involved with him for a long time. 

As I continue to re-evaluate my life these days, brought on by events in the past week, this is one of the regrets I do have in my life.  Many people proudly declare that they live their life with no regrets.  I am not one of those souls.  I have to say, I think it's healthy to recognize any regrets one may have in their life.  Not spending your days obsessing on them, but rather admitting that there have been mistakes and bad choices made in your life, and it is ok to regret some of them.  At least this is how I look at my life.  

I do not know if she ever really knew about me.  She had her suspicions though, which is bad enough - and I'm just sorry it took this movie for me to really, truly and unequivocally admit my mistake and feel ashamed for what I did and for what I tried to do.

It is not easy to blog about this in a public forum.  I run the risk of being called a whore, slut, home-wrecker and tramp.  This is not an attempt to clean my soul (karma has already bitten me in my ass more times then I can count of late), but rather examine my life and how my past choices have brought me to where I stand today.  Which is at the crossroads in my life.

I have not completely forgiven myself, but perhaps I will one day.  The best thing I can do is to promise myself that I will never allow myself to be in this situation again.  It's just not who I am or who I want to be, as I am well aware and want to be proud of the road I leave behind.

This movie is a favorite of mine for many a reason, and this eye-opener was one of them.

Human nature seldoms change, as much as they like to think they do. Sometimes they do change but for the sake of that particular moment - to earn, manipulate or maybe to gain something. They didnt realise that sometimes they hurt people who love them.

I spent some time looking around on it. I'm always fascinated by the other side of the story.

It seems I'm not alone. Looking at the other story, the other side, the traditionally unsympathetic perspective is arguably a cultural pastime. These days -- or these last several years, even -- we love old stories told from the "other" points of view. Wicked: The Wizard of Oz from the perspective of the wicked witch. Wide Sargasso Sea: Jane Eyre from the perspective of Bertha Mason, madwoman in the attic. The Red Tent: the murder of Dinah's husband and husband's family from the points of view of Rachel, Leah, and Dinah. Ahab's Wife: what Ahab's wife was up to while Ahab was at sea hunting down Moby Dick. Bram Stoker's Dracula: Francis Ford Coppola's account of the vampire as a misunderstood proto-modern Bohemian and ideological outcast. The Mists of Avalon: the legend of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table lambasted from the pagan-feminist perspective of Arthur's "evil" sister Morgain.

Those are the just the first to come to mind. There are others, aren't there?

Once I got thinking down this road, I started to wonder. Why are we so attracted to these re-tellings? What happens to us when we read them? Why do I care what happens to the bad guy, how he feels, or what his excuses are?

There are two sides to every story, indeed. Do you remember the first time someone pointed that out to you? I do. I was in the sixth grade. My sixth-grade experiences deserve their own blogpost (or several), but suffice it to say here that I had suffered a serious injustice at the hands of a classmate named Troye. I had caught her flyball during an intense game of kickball and, the next thing I knew, she was clobbering me over the head with a rock the size of a citrus fruit. (Luckily rocks in NJ are pretty soft.) When I complained bitterly at Troye's behavior, why she would do such a thing, how come no one threw her in jail or put her in shackles, my father had told me, "Leilani, you don't know her side of the story. You don't know why she did what she did."

So? Did I need to know? Would knowing her side of the story make what she did okay? Could I go around clobbering people with rocks because my parents were going through a divorce or because we'd just moved to NJ from Guam or because my breasts were not developing at a rate rapid enough to suit me?

Tit for tat. Eye for an eye. If she got to do it, then what was to stop me from doing it, too? What on earth was the world coming to?

My father was trying to teach me compassion for the other side. Compassion was foreign to me when I was that young. What came much more naturally was a sense of moral superiority, the comfort I got from being righter than the next person, from assuring myself that I didn't deserve what happened to me, that I did nothing to provoke, invite, or incite painful action. Basically, a sense of moral superiority was the booby prize I got for all the excuses I could make for my lack of compassion.

It's interesting how, until graduate school, I assumed that the phrase "There are two sides to every story" described the natural state of things. It doesn't. "The other side of the story" is a figure of speech built upon the assumption not only that there are two sides, but that the sides are opposed. What if they're not? What if thinking about stories that way is what gets us into moral trouble in the first place?  Sure, Troye hit me in the head with a rock because I kicked her butt at kickball. She's the bad guy for being a sore loser, etc. Whatever. From another perspective, you got two little girls who are struggling for power and there's not enough to go around. Maybe Troye had a stomach ulcer that hurt her all the time and a mother who had to work three jobs and a little brother who died the year before in a freak car accident. Maybe the exultant look on my smug little face was, finally, more than she could bear. Maybe then she found herself clutching a rock and wanting to release some of her frustration with it.  Maybe it wasn't just the two of us that day, but Troye, her mother, her dead brother, my divorcing parents, the negligent yardwatchperson . . . .and maybe we were collaborators rather than antagonists . . .

Troye versus Leilani. The adverserial interpretation is only an interpretation. There's nothing inherently adverserial in people making contact as they work out their problems. "Two sides to every story" is a metaphor--a way of describing the first thing (the human interaction) as a second thing (a story). It is a metaphor, a tool for understanding something valuable, but not an actuality. And yet. Metaphors are powerful ways of organizing information, especially metaphors derived from stories. And our Western stories drill into us that there are sympathetic heroes with moral superiority over nasty villains who deserve to be vanquished.

I guess that's the thing, huh? In my own story I am Dorothy but in, say, the other woman's story I'm the wicked witch. And she's Glenda. This is where humility comes in handy.

But is it that simple?  It would be nice to think that we are presently fascinated with "the other side" of the story because we're a more compassionate culture. It would be nice to think that the popularity of the villain's point of view stems from our enlightened progression away from the moral dichotomies of, for example, Victorian England, where moral superiority was a handy excuse for colonizing 3/5 of the globe

There's another way of looking at it, though, one that makes this sympathy for the villain look dangerously like convenient moral relativism. How about this: As a culture, as Americans, we are now the villains in somebody else's story, perhaps even in our own, and we know it, and we want to make it okay, make being the villain more comfortable. So we run around trying to show ourselves how being the villain (the Wicked Witch, Morgaine, Dracula) is actually, underneath it all, heroic -- how from "the other side" of the story it is possible to perceive us villains as heroes.

But maybe that's just making excuses for being villainous. Maybe sympathizing with the wicked witch of the west comforts us because we are the wicked ones now.

One week prior to this same time last year, H took off for a weekend. He had a business meeting to attend on Saturday but would return the same evening. We had set up an appointment to talk on the phone on Sunday. However, he never did return home and by Sunday, I was not able to contact him via cell, home or business phone the entire day. I grew worried and thought that something had happened to him on the long road home. I had no numbers with me to contact family, so I basically had to ride it out until I heard from him. Well, I didn't hear from him until Monday, and boy was I upset to hear what he had been up to and why he never returned home that same night.

After the meeting on Saturday, H met with “S” and her husband. H was invited to their home for dinner. That evening, “S” husband wanted H to accompany him to a strip club and he went. After they got their fill and being that it was so late, they returned to “S” home where H stayed the night. The next day, when H was heading home, he received a call from another forum member who was visiting the city and wanted to meet him for a drink, so he went. Now you can see why I was so upset. I was worried, going out of my mind while thinking that something had happened to H on the road. He never cared to call me out of courtesy to let me know he would be staying the night, nor did he call me the entire next day.

Once H contacted me on Monday, he could not understand why I was so upset. Being 8,000 miles away like I was, he should have understood why I was so worried. He began to get very defensive thinking that I was only giving him a hard time because he went to a strip club. Honestly, it did bother me and I told him so. However, the main point I had difficulty in getting across to him, was that I went an entire weekend without hearing from him. That is something he never should have put me through. He knew what I had already been going through, while taking care of my sick mother. I later found out that the other woman “V”, was giving him a hard time about going to the strip club. Due to our huge time difference, H had been talking with “V” and when my turn came, he had had enough bitching from her already. Its no wonder why he got pushed out of shape when I brought up how worried I was. All he could hear from me, was probably the echo of “V”, telling him off for going to the strip club.

The week that followed, H started acting completely different. Nothing he said made any sense and he would grow upset for no apparent reason. I questioned him about his behavior, especially after he told me off one day on the phone and then hung up on me. The first thing that entered my mind was that we had been apart for way too long and it was taking its toll on him. But then, shortly after that, I starting thinking that he may have went out on me. Some of the signs reflected in his behavior over the phone. When I asked him if he had, he said no and then grew quite angry at me for even thinking it. That is when he sent me an email stating that he had only been hanging out with married couples since I'd been gone, and even though there were so many temptations out there of women throwing themselves at him, he had been nothing but loyal.

At one point, he told me to come home and when I offered to jump on the next plane out, he quickly changed his mind saying that my mother needed me. I didn't know it at the time, but he had already planned to meet with the other women only a few days later.

The week after this same day last year, H wrote emails to me telling me that once I returned home, we would start over again. Looking back now, I know why that was. He had ended what he thought was a short fling, got it out of his system and now was ready to have a better life with me, that is, without me knowing. I doubt he ever thought I would find out as he was confident when I would speak with him. Maybe in the back of his mind, he was trying to bury it like he does with everything else that seems to be a problem he might face in the future. If you were to ask him, he would clearly admit that he was never going to tell me.

The only reason I know this is a day they met, is due to an email I read that H had sent “V” the day after. In the email, he says its a good day and the guilt is not as bad as he thought it would be. I always believed that this email showed that it must have been their first meeting. Because if it had been their second, why would he write about guilt?

To this day, I can't help but wonder, what if I would have came back that one week when I was out of the country and not stayed the three additional weeks. I know that would have prevented him from seeing “V” that next time, but would it have changed anything? I guess I will never know. The damage had ready been done, so what difference would it have made?

I guess it would have made it more difficult for H having to deal with “V”, as she would have been quite upset that their meeting would have been canceled. I still don't believe that on this day, they didn't actually make plans to meet. H claims that he called her when he was away from the city on business, five hours before. If that is true then why did he tell me not to return home and to continue staying in the states?

- - - - - - - - - - -

Next: I'm not going to let this go!

Looking back, I think that one of the most obvious times was after I found out about the affair my H had. The first words out of his mouth, besides “yes I did”, was “I cannot believe how I used “A” to get rid of that bitch!” You would think the first thing he would have done was apologized to me, but that was not the case. He should have felt like his world was over as he knew it, especially since, he did not even know at the time, if he would lose his family as a result. But all he could think of was how he used “A”. You can imagine how that made me feel. Still today, I feel much lower then “A” in the eyes of my H. He has caused me to feel this way by choosing her over me on several occasions.

Another time, which was even more obvious, was after “A” found out about the affair H had with “V”. She took the news worse then I did, which told me there had to be more there between the two of them. “A” first sent H a private message to tell him she knew about the affair. H then tells “A” to meet him in chat as she is very upset. When I asked H what was discussed, he told me she was upset for him using her and her not knowing the real reason why. She told him she wanted nothing more to do with him and to stay away from her. Then, she tried exposing H affair on a forum by attacking the other woman. The following day, she contacts H meeting him back in chat and then started a personal attack on H on the forum. To make matters worse, H knowing he is not suppose to delete anything, deletes the private message and his chat log so I don't find out what was actually discussed. When I asked H, he told me he was cleaning out his private message in box that day, so her private message was deleted. However, there were other messages that were not deleted that day and were much older then hers. As far as his chat log, he claimed he didn't have her on his chat list and didn't have his chat log on save mode.

Besides the two obvious times above, there is so much more.

“A” and H had been members of the same forum for years but they only started communicating more on the forum summer of last year. It all started when H had a chat with “A” and another member. They were goofing off and H uploaded the chat session on the forum for the other members to read. It was at that point when “A” started to feel more comfortable with H and they became close. So close in the fact, that around September they were posting on the forum together and if I didn't know better, I would have thought they were a couple. It wasn't flirtation, but rather a sense of ownership they presented towards one another. When I confronted H about it, he told me that all the women act that way towards him. As far as I could see, there were no other women acting as though H was theirs like she was.

Then came October. This was birthday month for me and every year H gets me a cake to celebrate. This time he didn't. His excuse was that he was so busy at work that he never left the building at all that day. A couple of weeks later, I find a postal receipt showing that he mailed “A” a CD and USB stick on my birthday. I was very upset to say that least and confronted only for H to not have an answer as to why he lied. Then there were the regular text messages and phone calls made between the two of them all hours of the day and night, not to mention forum posts and private messages.

I guess the biggest or most obvious time happened in November when H decided to attend a forum meeting. For the first time since we've been together, H was very firm on saying I could not attend the meeting with him. He first used the excuse that only members could attend. That is when I remind him that I was also a member, although not an active one. He then said that spouses were not invited. At this point, I knew that was not true and he was just determined to go alone. I have to admit, I was rather shocked at this new found attitude of his. It felt as though he wanted to get away very badly. I gave in and we both agreed that he would go for the day but had to return that evening. There would be no spending the night.

He called me when he arrived and told me he would call me again around 11 PM to let me know when he would get on the road to head home (it is a three and a half hour drive one way). I began feeling quite suspicious about the entire situation and decided to call him around 7 PM just to see how the meeting was going. He never answered his cell and I continued calling every 15 minutes or so and still no answer. I quit calling after awhile since he did tell me he would be calling at 11 PM. Well 11 came and went and he never called me. I began to get worried as this was totally out of his character. In the past, he would always call me when he said he was going to. He finally called me at 12:30 AM. I asked him if he had seen all the missed calls on his cell phone, as one usually does when they pick up their phone to make a call. He said he didn't see any. Instead of him asking me if something was wrong here at home, he went right into telling me that he and his friends were on their way to a bar for some drinks. He went on to say that he got a hotel and would be staying the night. When I tried to remind him that we agreed he would return home and not stay the night, he said he had already had too much to drink and couldn't drive home. He then started yelling at me saying “I got a hotel room and whether you like it or not, I'm staying!” He then hung up on me. I was in shock and couldn't sleep that night wondering if H was possibly doing something he shouldn't.

H never called me the entire next day. I figured I would leave him alone and I didn't call him either. Around 7 PM, I decided to call him to find out if everything was okay. When he answered, he acted as though nothing had happened the previous day. He was already on his way home. Once he got home, a few words were exchanged but I kept my cool. H slept on the couch that night.

The following day, while going through the pictures that were uploaded on the forum of the meeting, we run across a picture of H and “A” with her arms around him. They looked like couple. I blew a gasket! I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. To make matters worse, H claimed he didn't even remember taking the picture and just kept looking at it as though he were trying to figure out when it was taken. I then told H to contact the picture person of the forum immediately to have it removed. Once he did that, the picture was removed after only a few minutes. I went into detailed with H on how his behavior was unacceptable and how the picture was very disrespectful to me as his wife, since everyone on the forum knows he is married. I asked him if anything had went on that weekend with “A” and he said no.

A couple of days after the pictures showed up on the forum, a call comes through on H cell phone after 10 PM. From the way he was talking on the phone, I figured H was just talking to one of his friends, although they never call him that late. He then got up and walked over to give me the phone saying it was for me. I looked up at him and asked who it was. That is when he said it was “A”. I was very upset at that point but surprisingly I remained calm. I told him I didn't know her and had nothing to say to her. I then got up and he started following me around telling me to take the phone and speak to her. He was very persistent while telling me not to make him look bad and to just speak with her. I told him I was not going to talk to someone I did not even know. That continued for a while until I left outside.

A few minutes later, he came to me very upset saying that I should have spoken to her because she was only trying to apologize for the picture. A few minutes later, a text message comes over on H cell phone addressed to me. I told H I didn't want to hear what she had to say, but he read it to me anyway. In the message, she gave her real name and said she just met my husband that weekend for the first time and there was nothing going on between the two of them. She goes on to say that H had helped her with a problem she had with co-worker and that was all. She apologized but then said she did nothing wrong.

Two days later, I read a private message that “A” sent to H. This is what it said: Good morning my love. When you have time contact me. I love you and always will (even when you are old). When I confronted H about this, he was speechless and turned beet red as though he were busted. He was very cold in the way he acted and lead me to believe he actually had something going on with “A”.

Things start dying down in December or at least I think. This was a bad month for me . I had just found out about H affair the end of November and I wasn't in my right start of mind. However, I do remember one phone call H made to “A” regarding his car insurance as she works for an insurance company. In the end, he never did switch insurances. H is asked to stay away from “A” and break off all communication with her and he agrees.

When January rolls around, H is up late like always on the forum but so is “A”. They post back and forth on threads just like in the past. I get upset and confront H reminding him of “no contact” with “A”. The only thing he can think of to say is “she started it”. Then he tells me he can go back and delete all his posts that are on the same threads as hers. At that point, I tell him to just stop posting on the same threads she is. I remind him of “no contact” with “A”.

Then “A” finds out about the affair that H had with “V”. This is noted above. You can read the full story by clicking on that link.

During February, “A” takes a break from the forum. At first I thought she was just upset at H but later I found out that she no longer had Internet access at work and didn't have a computer at home. This is what H told me, so right there I knew he had some form of contact with her.

Once March rolled around, both H and “A” start back up with late night postings on the forum. While checking out the threads, it looked like H was going behind “A” and posting after her. I confront H again and tell him that I thought she wanted nothing to do with him because she was so mad at him. Once again, he doesn't know what to say and just says he can delete the posts he has made. I tell him not to because it will look as though she is talking to herself on the threads and people who read will not know what is going on. I go over with H how he agreed that he would no longer have contact with her and explain that this was a form of contact. Then he tries to give me the excuse that she was the one who was posting after him.

In April, she calls him on his cell at 10 in the evening to tell him about what has been posted on the blog of that one person who writes about a few members of the forum H moderators. He talks to her as if all is okay and does so while I'm standing right there. When he gets off the phone and I ask who it was, he tells me it was “A”. I was very upset for him breaking contact yet again. I had a long conversation with him about “A” while being quite upset and he doesn't say anything only, “she called me”.

Now fast forward to this morning. You can imagine how upset I was when I found out that H had not only requested “A” as a friend on face book and added her, but he also bought her. For those of you who don't know what that means, you can actually buy your friends on face book with the amount of money you obtain from filling out questionnaires, playing games, etc. He had purchased a couple of other friends in the past but as soon as “A” gave approval for her to be added to his list of friends, he bought her immediately.

I told H that he needs to take her off his friends list on face book and have no more contact with her. He said he could not remove her because they have mutual friends and everyone will know. I tell him when there are three people in a marriage, it will not work.

Is this his way of breaking off all contact with her? I think not!

- - - - - - - - - -

Next: The bidding war

Once we arrived to the restaurant, neither of us felt like discussing the article since the atmosphere was so relaxing. We just wanted to enjoy some quiet time together, so we had a laid back conversation instead. The topic of the conversation he started was about friends. We talked for a while about a couple of his on line friends and when I found an opening in the conversation, I jumped right in..

“Talking about friends, who is your new friend you've added on your face book list?” I actually already knew it was “A”. This morning, I had noticed that he had added her to his friends list but I was not planning on telling him at all. I figured I would just watch to see if anything developed. But due to the topic of conversation, it just came out.

He smiled and said, “You know who it is.”

I grew very upset at this point because he sent “A” an invite to be friends, it was not the other way around. In the past, he would always say it was her who initiated communication with him.

I said, “You promised me that you would break off all contact with her and this shows me that you don't care about how I feel or about this marriage.”

He then gave me an I-am-busted look, but he didn't look like he felt bad at all.

At that point, I lost my appetite and did not eat much as a result. We were rather quiet the rest of the time we were there and only spoke very little to calm down the atmosphere. I was so upset and he felt very uncomfortable. I was ready to explode but held back. I had to remember that I needed to remain calm for the long conversation ahead.

When we were ready to leave, he asked me if I wanted to take a long walk. He said it was best to stay away from home for as long as possible. He believed that things would accelerate and taking a long walk would calm me down. We didn't talk about anything on that long walk home. Once we arrived, I asked him if he wanted to talk. I was calm by this point. The walk had done me good.

He told me he didn't feel like talking but he knew I have a lot of questions for him. So that was my Q to begin.

Now that I had his attention, I decided to not bring up the article I had sent him earlier today. Instead I told him that I wanted to know the entire relationship he had with the other woman from first meeting her on line and how their relationship developed, to what took place after the fact. He pretty much ran it all down for me and here is what he said. Keep in mind that I had to ask questions while he was telling me the story because the answers were not detailed enough.

To help you keep track of the people in the story here is a little info:

H is my husband

V is the other woman

A is the woman friend who helped get rid of V and the one who H lead me to believe he was having an affair with for three long weeks. She has been tangled up in this mess way before I even found out about the affair

It all began when “V” became a member of the forum that he moderates. She entered a contest he put on with the winners receiving a free Linux CD. The first few people who sent him a private message were the winners. “V” won one and he mailed it to her. At first, she didn't want to give him her mailing address, so she gave him an address of who she claimed was a relative. He later found out it was her husband's name and their address.

The first contact “V” had with H was a “Thank you” email for the CD that he had sent her. That is when it lead to chat. She is a computer teacher and they discussed putting Linux on the computers in the computer lab. His chat program was always open and she would always start up chats with him. He never did tell me how often they chatted though. Most of the chatting was done on her part. She would freely tell him about her life and family, how she wasn't happy in her marriage and was only with her husband (even though he was 15 years older) for financial security. She told him how many lovers she had been with and then asked him how many lovers he had been with. He told her he had been married twice, and for her to do the math in between the two marriages. She asked him how I was in bed but he never told her. He did tell her how his first wife was in bed though.

If someone would have been speaking to me this freely, especially mentioning how unhappy they were in their marriage, I would know at that point what this person was looking for. I don't buy the fact that he never told her about me. I doubt he would even remembered how his first wife was in bed since that was over a decade ago. I'm sure he told the other woman about me and used his first wife as a cover up. If I know anything about my husband, this I know. ??

The chats lead to “V” wanting to meet H for coffee. He told her he never traveled to her city (300 miles one way) on business. That is when he asked if she only wanted to meet for coffee since she was acting like she wanted more. She told him she would meet him in his hotel room if he ever went to her city. He asked her if she was making a pass at him and went on to tell her how venerable he was due to the fact that I had been out of the country so long.

If he shared this much with her, then she knew the cat was in the bag and it would only be a matter of time before he would meet with her. This told me he gave her way too much information.

As time went on, “V” continued offering herself to him and making all kinds of promises. H finally gave in. He went to see “V” the first time because he felt his world was closing in on him and he needed an escape. An escape from his failing business and trying to be there for me to discuss my mother's health issues. They discussed their first get together one day prior to and it was clear that it would only be for sex. His reason was that I was out of the country and her reason was that she wasn't getting any at home. On his way back from that first meeting he was thinking, “what have I done”. Once he got home, he found quite a few private messages in his in box (on the forum) from “V”. She was telling him about the wonderful time she had and that he was a good lover. At that point, he knew she had fallen for him.

Just because she continued offering herself to him, doesn't mean he had to accept the offer. It took me a while to get the answer as to what he was thinking after that first meeting. He first told he was enjoying the long ride home, then he said he was thinking about having to return to work the next day, then he said the above. I told him I could understand how he felt at the time but even so, I would have done things differently. He didn't want to open up to me at all. I told him to lay it all out on the table but that never happened either. He knew from the start that she had fallen for him. If there was a time to end it, it would have been at this point.

After their first meeting, H tried keeping his distance from “V” but she kept on sending him messages and calling him. She kept on offering herself to him. One day while traveling out of the city on business, he called “V” to tell her he was on his way. His reason for seeing her the second time was the thrill of the chase. After this second time, he told her I was coming home as he already knew my return date. “V” left him alone 24 hours before my return but started up contact two days later. She continued telling him how wonderful their time was together and wanted to know when he would return to see her again. He ignored her and that is when he reminded me of an email I read from her, which stated she hadn't heard from him in three weeks.

Notice how in his story he continues saying that she was offering herself to him, she was contacting him and basically saying she wouldn't leave him alone. I told him he should have just re-directed her emails to trash, not opened her private messages, changed his cell number and not answered his business phone if her number showed up on the caller ID. Of course, this is only for someone who no longer wanted contact with a certain person, but that did not apply in his case.

Three weeks later, communication started back up on his part. At one point, H thought “V” was going to expose him on the forum by the way she was talking in private messages and emails and he didn't know what to do. She had threatened him once about telling me but he returned that threat by saying he would tell her husband. Then trying to be nice, he sent her a gift. It was a documentary of a favorite artist of hers he had downloaded some time before. Out of guilt he also sent her husband a bottle of special alcohol that is only made in this part of the country.

When I asked why he started communication back up with “V”, he didn't have an answer for me. He just continued putting all the blame on her saying she kept on bothering him with emails, phone calls and private messages. Common sense tells you that sending gifts to a person you are trying to get rid of, leads them on more. When I asked him why he sent the gifts, he said he didn't know what to do in this type of situation and it was due to lack of experience. He tired to ignore, be mean and then be nice but for him nothing worked. The only reason I knew about the gifts he sent her was due to an email I had read from him to her talking about other members on the forum. Apparently, there have been quite a few members that have gotten together and he was telling her they were the last ones. He goes on to say he would be sending her a gift.

As time went on, “V” contacted H with information regarding a person that the forum members were trying to gather information on. This person had started a blog about a few members on the forum and “V” claimed she knew who this person was. “V” would contact H with a little information regularly and on the bottom of her emails and private messages, she would bring up the relationship they had and how things could have been. Later he realized she didn't even know who the person was and then he confronted her about it. That is when she got very upset and things started getting ugly.

She was not the only one who had information about this particular person they were searching for. He should have known by the way she was adding information about their relationship on the bottom on her emails and private messages that this was far from over. Apparently, their communication never stopped prior to her contacting him with this information.

Around September, “V” started bothering “A” on the forum by sending her private messages accusing her of sleeping with H. “V” had noticed how well H and “A” were getting along by the threads they posted on and this bothered her a great deal. “V” also started sending private messages to H accusing him of sleeping with “A”. He told her he had not, and had never even met her before. She didn't buy it and continued on and on about it. “A” then contacted H to tell him about the accusations that “V” was making and wanted to know what her problem was. H told “A” that “V” just probably had a secret crush on him.

I tried to clarify what was going on back in September by reading through the threads on the forum. It sure did look like H and “A” were a couple by the way they interacted on the threads on the forum. No wonder “V” didn't buy it. I know I sure didn't. When I asked H how him and “A” became friends, he said it was due to a chat he had with her and another member where they were playing around. He uploaded the chat on a thread on the forum and everyone got a good laugh out it. “A” then became comfortable with him and they started interacting more on the forum. He said that lead to “A” visiting his blog, which lead to the forum meeting in November where they met face to face for the first time.

V” kept on and on accusing H of sleeping with “A”. By this point, H had no idea how he was going to get rid of “V”. In early November, H learned of a forum meeting that would take place in another city where most of the members reside and he decided to attend. He knew that “V” would not be there but “A” would. H and “A” never agreed to be a couple while at the meeting. They had only planned to act over friendly towards one another because they knew that another member would tell “V” if something was actually going on between the two of them. They ended up convincing just about everyone there and the toper was that a picture showed up on the forum after the meeting. The picture showed “A” hugging H. When “V” saw this she was furious and after telling him off, she finally gave up.

When I asked H why he decided to go to the forum meeting, he would not give me an answer. He then said this was the only way to get rid of “V”. I still don't know how far they had to go to convince everyone that something was going on. H told me they never done anything. They just acted friendly towards one another. I don't buy it. A picture is worth a thousand words and the picture they took together really looked like they were a couple. The first time that H told me that “V” said goodbye to him was a couple of days after the forum meeting but this time, that changed to two weeks later.

In mid December, “V” tries to start a chat up with H but he never responded. Probably because I was sitting right there at the time.

In late January, “V” sends husband a private message on the forum saying that he is making it too obvious by not replying to her posts. He doesn't reply to her. She gets upset and starts shit back up with “A”. “V” posts on a thread that “A” started on the forum telling “A” and her friends off for no apparent reason. Then “V” started sending private messages to “A” again. “A” then puts two and two together and realizes that H had an affair with “V”. She was very upset by this finding.

When I asked H why “A” took the new of the affair worse then me, he said she probably has a secret crush on him. Wait a minute, isn't that what he told “A” about “V”? “A” was so hurt over the fact that she was used by H to get rid of “V” that she then started shit on the forum about “V” and H but didn't reveal any names. That is when H had to contact the owner of the site to let him know what had happened. All the while, he was worried about having his moderator status taken away from him which never happened. “A”, told H that she no longer wanted anything to do with him, not to contact him and to leave her alone. Well this didn't last for long.

In March, “V” sent H an email basically telling him off and how she felt used. Then she kept asking why. She claimed that she had told her husband about the affair they had and he had forgiven her. H never replied to her.

In April, “V” sent H a chat Authorization request which he denied.

We haven't heard from “V” since April but I know that this is far from over. She has taken time off the forum since the end of January because she thought that other members had found out about the affair she had with H. However, as of this month, she has returned back to the forum. It is now confirmed that her husband does not know about the affair she had. If he did, he would never allow her to participate in the forum as he not only checks in on it regularly, but he also knows who H is. So I'm just waiting around for her next attempt to contact H and see if he tells me. One more contact of any kind and I'm going straight to her husband. I've had enough!

- - - - - - - -

Next: Is she another "other woman"?

Last night, I approached husband to ask him a few questions about the other woman. He had answered questions about her in the past but those answers we not detailed enough. Those answers formed even more questions that I needed answers to. It took me two days to plan my approach since it is difficult to talk to him about anything these days. I approached him as if I would a child who had great fear of me. I had to make sure not to startle him in any way. I reassured him before I asked any questions that this conversation would not carry over into another, and that these were questions I just needed answers to. Since this was not going to be a conversation and it would only be a form of questions for him to answer, I couldn't add more questions to the answers he would give me. I had to be very careful not to scare him to the point where he would emotionally shut down.

At first he was very apprehensive and then started calming down when he noticed that I was calm myself. I set a calm environment by being very relaxed and that in turn, relaxed him as well.

My first question to him was one that I had asked him in the past and just wanted to see if the answer was the same. I asked him if there was a mutual agreement between the two of them that their meetings were only for sex. He replied that they both had agreed but he didn't give me much more of an answer then that. To me, this is still questionable and it will have to be address some time in the future to clarify.

My second question to him was how did he know she was a psycho (as he put it). He said he didn't know it in the beginning but began noticing the way she was writing her emails to him after the fact. It came to light some time later when she confided in him saying that she was taking medication for multiple personalities and she had even been institutionalized at one point. She told him that during the time she was seeing him, she stopped taking her medication so she could feel free.

My third question was regarding a “thank you” email she wrote him thanking him for helping her out with her son. I asked him how he helped her and he said it had something to do the relationship her teenage son had with his father. Due to the large age gap they did not get along. He didn't quite remember what he told her.

My fourth question I asked was if she ever threatened him in any way and he said no. I then asked if she had threatened to tell me and he said she did once. In the past he told me she threatened him twice. This is the burning question because even though the physical part of the affair ended May of last year, I still don't have an answer as to why he continued contact with her even though she initiated every time. Normally, in cases like this, where the women is obsessive, the man is afraid the other women will tell his wife.

I have to admit that once I was done asking the questions, the answers that were given caused even more questions. I realized that getting into a conversation at this point was not wise. So I didn't ask any further. I know there will come a time very soon when we will have a lengthy conversation and that is when I will present the questions.

In the end, I thanked him for the answers he gave which helped me to clear a few things up. I explained to him I did understand what he went through with the other women after he tried to break it off with her. I also understand the difficulty he was having trying to balance out both me and her. On top of that, trying to keep a secret that he had no idea when or if it would ever come to light. He thanked me for my understanding and I saw a sense of relief come over him. He was very appreciative and thanked me for my understanding. I sense that this may be a turning point for him now that he sees I have changed towards the situation. As a result, he may become comfortable enough to begin discussing the truth about the affair and that in turn, can help us begin healing our marriage. I guess only time will tell.

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Next: If only we could fast forward time

For months now Kibben and I have been living together in a quaint one bedroom apartment in Columbus Circle with baggage big enough for a four story townhouse in the West Village. With it's rollercoaster-if-it's-not-one-thing-it's-another structure, I found it not only exhausting to live through, but exhausting to write (as I'm sure exhausting to read as well!) In any case, Kibben and I have managed to coexist without either one moving out, breaking dishes, or changing locks on the other- although the thought has come to mind.

Among many of our fights, the subject of concealment. In my case for the last 8 months I've managed to make my home completely sterile of any medication or artifact suggesting that someone in the residence is sick. It not only makes it easier for me to handle mentally, knowing that I'm not surrounded by it all the time, but easier for him as it isn't overwhelming on him. That was my mindset. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as me hiding things from him, which leads to him thinking that if I'm hiding that then there's some sort of secret behind it. At the beginning, he was too busy and overwhelmed to visit the doctors with me, and I now have a rather strong support system based on my friends which I lean on. He's now asking for validation that I'm sick; ie: visiting the hospital with me, talking to my doctors, etc. I can gladly provide that which I have been doing gradually lately, however now I'm so used to managing without him, that to jump right in with everything would not only overwhelm him even more, but completely break me down. I want to let him in on things, however it needs to be on my own terms and time. What I'm most afraid of is that I'll let him in as before, and he'll not even notice or do anything about it. I fear that it's just for his validation that he's inquiring, and not because he's actually able to take care of me...

     ...And that's exactly what I told his Upper Westside therapist last week as I was sitting in her uncomfortable leather chair. Among other people, he's told his therapist his doubts and concerns about us which prompted my appearance in her office. Most would think it odd to visit a boyfriend's therapist to talk about them, however most people would think it odd to come home and find your boyfriend rummaging through your finances looking for doctor's bills. For months I've heard how lovely she, the therapist, was and how nurturing her character is so I went open minded with the goal of helping my relationship. From the first phone call confirming a scheduled appointment, she was harsh and cold. As open minded as I had made up my open mind to be, I began to feel like a lamb being lead to the slaughter. Hours leading up to the appointment I could feel my stomach tossing, but would as quickly dismiss it thinking that this was going to be a positive 45 minutes talking to someone who would understand both his and my side and help us both towards a resolution. The therapist has known about me from the very beginning of the affair. She's heard Kibben's mental battles between staying with his wife and seeing me, our highs and lows, etc. from his perspective. After leaving my new job and hailing a cab up Central Park West, I arrived to the beautiful lobby and was sent up 9 floors into a small waiting area. After a snip greeting from her I was escorted into her office and no sooner from when I sat down did the questions start firing: "why aren't you letting him in?", "why aren't you helping him?", "why are you putting him through this?" As soon as I would say a thought, she'd hammer another question. I was taken aback by the fact that in no part of the time spent with her did she ask me to tell her a little about myself, or how I felt about all of this. At one point she asked about my health, yet in such a raping way, I started to cry. I cried walking back home along the park- I had never in my life felt more like a mistress than with his therapist. Kibben called while I was walking to ask where I was. He walked up Central Park West and met me before his session with the therapist. Upon questioning my tears and my response of how unpleasant it was, all he did was nod.

When someone is warned about having an affair, the cliche lines goes something like "when you sleep with a married man, you're sleeping with his wife as well." Well, if that's the case, I would go so far as to say I'm sleeping with Kibben's entire family. With the divorce proceedings trudging through, his family, who were so gracious towards me in the beginning, are now suspicious and standoff-ish towards me. I was always told of what a horrible person his soon to be ex was to his family. His sister told me stories once of feeling unwanted around Kibben and the ex, and his mother would recount nasty comments she's said to them. Taking that into consideration, it's understandable they would be hesitant toward another of Kibben's ladies thinking that history will repeat itself, however, why would they begin to act this way towards me now? I'm not alone in this scenario of women who were welcomed in to a family, but were soon in arms length once the man confided with a family member his intent on marrying her. Suddenly everything gets awkward. I can't help but take it personally. The one or two lined e-mails that come in weeks late to respond to something you send them. And they only all come together to gather when Kibben has visitation with his son, never with just he and I. They say they don't want to intrude. Great. I don't want them to, but I would like to have some sort of bond with them if Kibben and I decide to marry.

When the days are good; they're great. When the days are bad; they're miserable.