And, there's also the accompanying anxiety of being found out for having said something that was unkind or gossip.

Another thing about talking too quickly is that it's possible to committed to making a point that is on the wrong track. That's foolishness.

Proverbs 13:3 says,

Whoever guards his life preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,

but a wise man listens to advice.

16 The vexation of a fool is known at once,

but the prudent ignores an insult.

It's not funny to find a passage that is a mirror to one's soul. The part of the passage that spoke to me in particular was "The vexation of a fool is known at once...." That's who I am, and, I think that my way is right.

Wow. That's foolish.

其中最喜歡副歌1句歌詞

誤把嘲笑當獎賞

記得上一句也不錯，但現在忘了哈哈。。想到再説吧~

今晚 (erm ok it's 2am so should be 昨晚) 證實了一個謊言

感覺？無法形容吧

應該是在乎才會想證實吧，我是這麽認爲

爲什麽？唯一的疑惑

不禁回想，到底我當了幾回白痴

我知道自己真的蠻憨的

但沒想到一個我對他沒有任何防備的人也會這樣做

的確，是一點傷害也沒有，甚至可以說關我什麽事

卻反而讓我更搞不懂？！

為回答不了的爲什麽而不去不在乎

我不會刪除那些字句

我不會這麽容易就忘記

I was impressed by the organization of her cart. Also, it was clear that she's able to salvage quite a bit from the dumpsters. She came out of this dumpster with a number of bags, and there was one more dumpster to go. I suspect that primarily she was salvaging bottles and cans for recycling, by the sounds I heard when she put her bags down.

Note: It was important to me to protect this woman's dignity, so I was careful not to "angle" for the best shot. However, I felt that this was a moment in time that offered an opportunity for reflection, particularly because this market is about one block from the affluent private school I work at. I hope to use these photos to have conversations with my students when school resumes.

You can see larger photos here.

in a way, i finally knew a reason

is tt the real reason i guess i'll nv get to find out

something i nv realise was happening

it's definitely not deliberate tho

i really couldn't answer WHY bcos i really duno why or how come

or even if it's true?

i just couldn't help but wonder wat else is for me to find out

i feel so vulnerable and even betrayed

the feeling of everybodyknowsitexceptme is horrible

n some of the "everybody" ain't reali ppl i like

at the event while putting my ipod on shuffle i heard bu shuo chu de wen rou

there was a line tt says

yi jing ca gan le lei wei he hai you dian tong

yar.. wei he?

The Pleasures of Eating

A few nights ago my wife fixed a pleasant meal of rice, kale, and mushrooms. I'm sure there were some spices in there, perhaps some rice vinegar or soy sauce, but eating kale from Ben Sipple's farm was good. We've been eating kale in some form or another for the past 4-6 weeks. Much of the pleasure of my eating that evening at the dinner table was watching little pieces of local kale dangle from the mouths of my little girls and watching it disappear into those little bodies alongside the laughter and silliness and prayers of thankfulness around our dinner table.

The Displeasure of Eating

How much pleasure do you take in eating? I know. This all sounds somewhat elitist, some might say a bit more of a gnostic approach to food than we ought to take. After all, there are people who wouldn't care one bit where their next meal came from, just that it in fact came in time to live another day. I recognize this. And on an entirely different scale of lamenting, I lament this as well. We might be tempted to place a malnourished underfed child in Nigeria in a different category than, say, a malnourished overfed child in the midwest of America. I'm inclined to say that the travesty is the same, but the difference is not one of degree, but of context and spectrum. Both children suffer from a displeasure of food, one because she doesn't have enough of it, and the other because he doesn't care enough about it. One displeasure is caused by lack, and another by an abundance, but they're both unhealthy, malnourished, and can't take pleasure in food. Both are hungry for food and don' t have access to food because of the industrialization of their lives or the globalization of their lives and neither has the ability or the capacity or the opportunity to plant something, watch it grow, and then eat it. One has been robbed of this capacity because of political and historical reasons, another because of reasons of greed and ignorance. One is stuck in a cycle of poverty, while another is stuck in cycle of a mistake made in the generation of his great-grandfather. One goes hungry, while another stuffs his belly with things that aren't really food.

Over the years people have taken up causes to fight for. Noble causes for justice and good for orphans, for needs, for water, for life, for the world.

Wendell Berry has said that "a significant part of the pleasure of eating is in one's accurate consciousness of the lives and the world from which food comes. The pleasure of eating, then, may be the best available standard of our health."

I'm trying to say, along with many others, that we need to plant some seeds, watch them grow, eat food, and give food away.

There's a great passage that is powerful in its simplicity:

A number of years ago, I met a wise man who changed my life. In countless ways, large and small. I was always seeking the Lord's blessing. I was saying, you now, "I have a new song. look after it." Or, "I have a family, please look after them." Or, "I have this crazy idea...."

And this wise man said: "Stop." He said, "Stop asking God to bless what you're doing . Get involved in what God is doing - because it's already blessed."

- Bono, On the Move

well in the books it's jus a matter of finding tt last page u made the wrong decision, and choosing another option. if only this happens for reality? just find that last page in ur life. and if that option is wrong, u can always turn back again till u find the best option. haha then life will be toooooo long.

ok tis is jus random.

i tink i'm too much of an open book, and i end up expecting ppl around me to be like that? i think i need those zhao yao jing tt can tell immediately if tt person is telling the truth or lying. the black & white theory by me n jl, we used to think tt was sooo true. in fact i swore by it. lol. either u r good or bad, n once i define someone as bad, every single thing tt person does is just PUI.

what do u do when someone u've labelled as bad talks bad abt someone u tot was "ok". then u realise u can't say for sure who is "ok" afterall.

if survival of the fittest means all the bad things den dun u think we shud jus not survive?

me? i just hope the ppl i trust prove tt my trust has not been misplaced. cos when i say i trust u i truly mean it.

anw we r reali dreading the upcoming wks. i anticipate more tears, mood swings and what-have-yous. sigh. if only i can put myself on the photocopier and make ten copies of myself. i can aredi think of things i will want cheez1, cheez2, cheez3 cheez4.... to help me do.

:|

心情不好

reading fellow cs-turned-corpses blogs proved that so right

entries have been reduced to one/two liners. or stories.

the conclusion is always "it's jus a corpse thing"

how true is that? u get shit everywhere, dun u?

but y r we always the subject of sympathy at all gatherings.

over breakfast after waking up at freaking 530am to be at the sch at 7am C asked if we were happy.

oh how i dread these qns on days i can break down any second

i imagine C saw something. cos she shared that previously she has been doing wat we r doing, n more, for like a decade. so can look for her for advice/help/contacts. but she also voiced out wat i can imagine the whole world thinks of us - tt we r damn fucking free.

escaping to next door for the wkn. throwing as much money as i can to their economy shall be my sole aim.

after 5 yrs, wat's my ideal now? i blame my passion for landing me in a world i so dun belong to. and every action and look from u proves that oh-so-right.

i wan to make tw my second home. live, work and die there. i wonder when tt can come true when i know it'll break my parents' hearts if i do tt in the near future.

The most recent summons required that I call the jury commission for "up to five days" to see if I'd be needed. My first call was last Friday evening. After that I was instructed to call in the next day at noon for possible service the same afternoon. That went on every day this week until yesterday afternoon when I was released. The problem with that type of "service" is that I could have been called in on the final day for possible service, which would have meant that I had committed a week to being available for possible service before actually serving. I think that I would have preferred to have been called in at a certain time and either used or released.

Now that I've completed my civic duty, I'm free to resume my life. I can make plans, which I've done. I'm leaving town tonight to visit friends in the Seattle area.

Now I'm on summer break.

Forgive: (verb) a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for; b: to grant relief from payment of
Forgiving: (adjective) allowing room for error or weakness

Now, the most practical definition of forgiveness I've heard came from our pastor in Durango:

Forgiveness: releasing someone from the obligation to heal a wound that they can't heal anyway

The fact of the matter is this: when someone hurts me, no matter how much they do to "make up for it," they are absolutely incapable of making the hurt go away.  Sure, their actions may distract me from the pain, but ultimately, healing does not come until I make the (usually conscious) decision to forgive them.   I have to decide, as the definition above states, to allow that person room for error or weakness.   I have to grant them relief from payment of the happiness that was lost as a result of their actions.

Is it always easy?  Absolutely not.  Does forgiving someone mean I have to forget what they did?  No.  But it does mean that I have to acknowledge that they are human, that they make mistakes and have weaknesses, and, above all, that they can't fix it for me.

And if I withhold forgiveness?  Who suffers the most then?

me.

Refusing to forgive is expecting someone to perform a task that is impossible.  It's setting myself up for disappointment and more hurt.

I know all of this, and yet I'm having a hard time forgiving someone who hurt me recently.  I think it's because this person has shown no remorse; to the contrary, this person believes in their soul that their actions were right.  I can't fathom it.  I can't wrap my mind around the fact that this person has not only justified their actions but also seems to be able to dismiss the collateral damage with nary a thought.  Furthermore, their continual pursuit of a course of action that is fundamentally wrong is done with such blatant disregard for others that frankly, sometimes the only way I can deal with it is to laugh.  The situation is comical on my best days and profoundly devastating on all others.

(Note to BB: Don't worry - it's not her!)

Forgiveness is not likely to come today.  But I do realize that I cannot continue to hold someone to a higher standard when the fruit of their life indicates they don't even acknowledge the existence of such a thing.  That's not very fair of me.  I have to realize - not just realize; it's beyond realize.  I have to accept in my heart and be settled and at peace with it - that while I have chosen a high standard for myself, I can't put that expectation on people who have not chosen it for their own lives.

At least it's progress in the right direction.

if i did cry it was not sadness

amidst all the loud music and drinks

i didnt feel alone

<3

"lost" posters are no help cos only cheez knows where cheez could have escaped to

cheez has to find cheez before the world finds her a nutcase for being such a crying baby

but the finder cheez also wishes she could die off like the searchedfor cheez

ah wtf. this is called pms. sucks to be female.

n tmr i'm gonna interview bang bang tang on air!!!

omgggg i haf to like read up/ watch youtube etc to know them

ok looking forward to next next next week

tt's still so farrrrrrrr away though

sigh

according to tis guy i met tdy, his company does these workshops monthly la, den he briefly went thru wat he does in his workshops with me.. "conclusion" is i have a "heart at war".

lol

then again, i'm sure there r very few ppl who can have a "heart at peace" cos then i think u'll be a saint aredi la

pls dun ask me "how r u" if u dunno me. I'll be totally caught between wanting to pour out everything and not wanting to trust new ppl. anymore.

even if u know me, where know = i've confided in u before, dun ask me "so how've u been" unless ur aim is to see a broken down piece of cheese

anyway. i think it's pms too. like, very bad tt kind. as alys will put it, it's "bo ho sei". haha.. i can see the nxt half of the yr is gonna b very bo ho sei. i so can't wait for dec, but another side of me worries tt our promise wun be fulfilled.

n like from nxt wk onwards, one less fren who can nua on wkdays. i hope our liu lang dream wun be forgotten, however silly it might be.

我　爛命一條　走在路上　影子在地上
像　我的慌張　黏在腳下　抓著我不放
我不懂　我不是這樣　我不該這樣
額頭流下的汗　又流進眼眶

為什麼　要給我　一顆跳動的心臟
卻忘了　給我飛翔的翅膀
每天我活在這多無聊的地方
多麼　想要　流浪

為什麼要給我　一顆跳動的心臟
又把我　丟在這寂寞戰場
這世界有多大我就有多徬徨
有沒有一點希望　讓我去闖　天涯海角　讓我去闖

把　我的靈魂　裝進紙箱　寄送到天堂
那　雲端的光　會不會是　希望的形狀
每一天　來了又走了匆忙的太陽
感覺自己蒸發　慢慢從這個　世界上

i miss the days of sitting at hall steps, of puking by the track, of writing loooong letters, of serene and kap days.

i'd give anything to return to those days, n who knows, i'll dream a different dream this time.